I feel used.

Picture this. I'm at the gym and there are approximately 20-30 elliptical machines to chose from. It's mid morning on a Tuesday so I practically have the entire fucking gym to myself. I chose my machine and start going at it. Then this girl, we'll call her "cupcake" comes in and starts looking around. There are dozens of machines to chose from. She chooses the one right next to me.

At this point I feel as if I should mention I believe there to exist an unspoken agreement amongst most gym goers. It's kind of like when you go to a public restroom and there are 15 open stalls and then someone choses the stall right next to yours. It's just uncalled for, really. Why you gotta be all up in my business?

So there I am sweating away and looking quite attractive as my December indulgences come back to haunt me. Cupcake, it appears, has chosen to work out next to me to make herself look more attractive to the menfolk. It works and a man who I shall call Beefcake comes up and starts chatting with her. For 30 fucking minutes I'm sweating my ass off and grunting and breathing heavy and these assholes are flirting and making a date for the weekend. Really? I needed to witness the mating ritual between Cupcake and Beefcake?

Eventually they walked away and went out into the parking lot to "exchange phone numbers" whatever-the-hell that might be code for. The only logical explanation I can think of though is that Cupcake really wanted to look her best and used me to juxtapose her botoxed perfection.

I'm just going to take this as a compliment, I've decided. I am a fucking aphrodisiac and I sweat sexual pheromones. Clearly, that's what happened.

A Valuable Lesson

It's been a while. But trust me, this gem of a story is worth it.

Some background: I've recently joined a new gym. The gym I've been using at school has become less convenient so I found a local gym with reasonable rates. That said, the only flaw this gym has is its proximity to a large shopping mall, especially now that Christmas time is upon us. More background: it has been raining cats and dogs in San Diego for the last week. Yesterday I found myself in a position where I desperately wanted to go work out, but did not want to drive in the crazy rain, with the even crazier Southern California drivers to the gym during the worst shopping traffic time of the year. Instead, I decided I'd run around the neighborhood for a little while. Rain be damned.

Big. Fucking. Mistake.

I learned something useful yesterday. When you decide to yourself that you are going to run in the pouring rain, and its particularly chilly outside, things are not going to turn out well. After 45 minutes of becoming completely drenched and cold I walked back into the warmth of my apartment. What happened next, I can only assume, is the physical equivalent to putting a sleeping persons hand in warm water. That's right. I involuntarily wet myself. I did not think I had to pee leading up to walking into my apartment, but apparently, the warmth of my livingroom combined with my general cold wetness led to a most humiliating moment. I stood in my doorway in utter shock. I could either laugh or cry. I chose to laugh.

And then I took a shower.

We gather here today..

You are losing someone you may or may not have loved. Yourself. With this comes a mourning period. You are going to find that you enjoy different things and that you've become a different person. You need to mourn the loss of the person you were and embrace the new life you have created.

For me, I did not love the person I was. I treated her poorly. I told her she was fat, I told her she was ugly. I told her she was lucky she got her boyfriend when she was young and thin because nobody would want her in the state she was in now. I do find myself saying those things to myself, still, but not as frequently. It's a process. I have to remember to congratulate myself on my progress this far and encourage myself to continue further.

In the early stages of weight loss and change, it can be hard to see progress. This is when you may be in denial. This cures nothing, make this stage of grief short and gear up for the other four stages. Anger will wash over you at some point. For me, my internal monologue went something like this, "What the fuck were you thinking? It's your fault you got into this mess to begin with, you fucking pig." This stage actually helped with motivation, especially when I put some Marilyn Manson on the iPod...

Bargaining might be the worst part of mourning your loss. "If I work out extra hard this week, I can eat anything I want." Not so fast, Cowbella, that's not how this is going to work. Perhaps once you've reached a maintenance stage you can start to look at your food consumption differently, but you and I have a while to go before we have this discussion.

Depression. It's a bitch. The weight doesn't come off fast enough, you plateau, you can't eat at parties like everyone else. The good thing is that working out and sweating helps rid you of those feelings of sadness and black is a VERY flattering color.

Finally we come to acceptance. This is the longest phase, I'm still going through it. I think I finally started to accept my loss when I started purchasing new clothes and got rid of my "fat" clothes. You need to accept the fact that others will be treating you differently. The sad fact is that people are generally nice and more attentive to those who are healthier looking. It takes getting used to. People will want to talk to you and will smile at you. It can be a bit unnerving, and it might make you resentful at first, "Why am I acceptable now, and not before?". You just need to let that go, remember to be nice to those around you who might be dealing with their own weight issues, and accept that our society is built for smaller people.

Mourn the loss of your former self, but try not to be an asshole to your new self. She's much cooler and can kick your ass.

Netflix is your new gym.

Wanna know something cool? Netflix Instant offers workout videos. That's right. You don't even have to leave your house to work out. This might be the coolest thing I've discovered in a hot minute.

I have a gym membership through my school. While I was in summer school, I had access, and now I'm in that awkward period of time between semesters where I have no gym access. This made me nervous. I've been doing so good, was I going to go back to a sedentary life and gain all that weight back? Fuck no! I've decided that a bare minimum hour long walk is mandatory every day. And every other day, I shall also include an ab/core video from Netflix. Hooray!

This service is only a few dollars a month, people. If you are nervous about going to a gym, or live in an area where walking outside is difficult, there is no reason not to do the work in your house instead. You don't have to buy fancy gym equipment, you don't even have to put on shoes! You do need to get your heart rate up and get your metabolism in action-mode.

If you own a Wii, a Playstation, or a Tivo, you have no excuse. Instead of sitting in front of the television, sweat in front of it! You don't have a fucking excuse, it's only $11 or so, and you'd probably spend that much on some shitty bad-for-you snack anyway. Do it! Do it now!

Two assholes, passing in the night...

I'm guilty of it. Snacking after dinner, before going to bed, while watching t.v. You're sitting on the couch, watching your favorite program and you think to yourself "this calls for a snack." Fucking wrong.

This is a particularly hard habit to break. You should stop eating approximately 2-3 hours before going to sleep. It's almost as hard as quitting smoking. Seriously. I can offer tips, but this is more-so a will-power thing.

Tip #1: Make sure your dinner is satisfying. Sounds easy, but if you are in a "diet" frame of mind, you might be holding back on a fulfilling meal. Don't worry about seconds, you should be eating good food anyway and your metabolism ought to be up because of all the working out you are doing. Don't starve yourself. Eat slowly and with purpose until you are no longer hungry. Chew your food well and satiate yourself.

#2: Avoid caffeine starting 5-6 hours prior to your bedtime. The more caffeine you consume, the longer you will stay awake and hunger is bound to strike again. Drink an herbal tea or water, instead. Sipping on water will also help curb your hunger because you are occupying your mouth.

#3: Brush your teeth. Sometimes your body just wants a flavor, not necessarily food. Brush your teeth or use some mouthwash. Your mouth gets the minty fresh benefit of a taste and it will help with your general oral hygiene.

#4: If television is your biggest trigger, turn the fucker off. Have a conversation on the phone, read a book, do your homework, pay the bills, clean the house. Remove the trigger and allow for a new nighttime ritual that does not include food.

#5: Go back to writing your food intake down in a journal. This will remind you of your goals and help you see your caloric intake for the day already. It helps put things into perspective.

I'm not saying this will be easy. Quite the opposite, actually. It must be done, however. If you can make it through the first few nights, much like smoking, it will be quite worth it in the long run.

You want me to drink what now?

The master cleanse. You've heard about it. It's peaked your interest. You've thought to yourself it might be a good idea. You are fucking wrong.

Just in case you've been living under a rock, here's the lowdown. Combine water, pure lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper, mix well, repeat. Drink this all day and eat nothing. Repeat for two weeks. The fuck you say? Exactly.

I must admit I have tried this bullshit in the past. After 48 hours I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I have no idea why someone would do this to themselves for 14 straight days. I know it's popular to cleanse these days. But can someone explain why? Why not just fast? Starvation is a surefire way to lose weight, sure, but it's also a good way to initiate a heart attack or some sort of organ failure.

There is no quick fix. Laxatives don't help, starvation doesn't help, cocaine doesn't help...Working hard does, though. You can determine the health of a person by what he takes two at a time, pills or stairs. I suggest you opt for the stairs and not for the latest miracle that is being irresponsibly touted by celebrities.

If you want to drink your meals, smoothies are a healthy way of doing that. You can add proteins, yogurt, grains, etc. Beware of anything that only allows for less then a thousand calories a day, unless you really want to hurt yourself. You should be exercising regularly and these bullshit ideas are going to make you sluggish and irritable. You will be incapable of walking out the door, much less walking around the block.

Don't fall for it. It's not going to cleanse anything but your motivation. You'll yo-yo back to fat asshole the second you come off it and for what? Drinking a shitty drink like an asshole.

My heartbreak.

Time for some seriousness. I cannot do this for you. As much as I would like to, you have to make this decision on your own. You have to decide to save your own life. I can bitch and moan, I can encourage and hope, but I cannot get inside your brain and fix what is broken. It breaks my heart.

I have several loved ones whose lives I fear for. I don't know the magic combination of words that will have the effect of making them get their shit together. I found my inspiration to do my own work, and I hope to be an inspiration to others, but I cannot force it, regardless of how hard I try.

It's just not funny anymore. Food is not a game or some sort of entertainment. Cheeseburgers cannot be a way of life. Sitting in front of a computer or television for hours instead of taking a walk around the block is only going to lead to pain and suffering in the long run. It literally makes me want to cry when I think that there are people I love whom I will outlive because of the way they choose to live their lives.

What's the magic trigger? If anyone knows the answer, please, tell me. What words do I say to make it click and encourage a life changing epiphany? I thought that maybe leading by example would work, but it doesn't. I hoped that people would see how happy I am and how good I look and think to themselves, "Well, if SHE can do it..." But it doesn't appear as if that's how this happens.

When does it occur to you that I cannot do this for you? You have to do this for yourself. You can't continue to put this off. My soul aches to think about this. I want all of us to look back on the days of "FAT" as distant memory and rejoice in our health and our future.

Please do this. I can only ask you to do this yourself and offer up advice and encouragement. You have to do the work on your own. What else do you need to see how this is affecting you and those who love you most?

You are acting like such a fucking asshole.