Two assholes, passing in the night...

I'm guilty of it. Snacking after dinner, before going to bed, while watching t.v. You're sitting on the couch, watching your favorite program and you think to yourself "this calls for a snack." Fucking wrong.

This is a particularly hard habit to break. You should stop eating approximately 2-3 hours before going to sleep. It's almost as hard as quitting smoking. Seriously. I can offer tips, but this is more-so a will-power thing.

Tip #1: Make sure your dinner is satisfying. Sounds easy, but if you are in a "diet" frame of mind, you might be holding back on a fulfilling meal. Don't worry about seconds, you should be eating good food anyway and your metabolism ought to be up because of all the working out you are doing. Don't starve yourself. Eat slowly and with purpose until you are no longer hungry. Chew your food well and satiate yourself.

#2: Avoid caffeine starting 5-6 hours prior to your bedtime. The more caffeine you consume, the longer you will stay awake and hunger is bound to strike again. Drink an herbal tea or water, instead. Sipping on water will also help curb your hunger because you are occupying your mouth.

#3: Brush your teeth. Sometimes your body just wants a flavor, not necessarily food. Brush your teeth or use some mouthwash. Your mouth gets the minty fresh benefit of a taste and it will help with your general oral hygiene.

#4: If television is your biggest trigger, turn the fucker off. Have a conversation on the phone, read a book, do your homework, pay the bills, clean the house. Remove the trigger and allow for a new nighttime ritual that does not include food.

#5: Go back to writing your food intake down in a journal. This will remind you of your goals and help you see your caloric intake for the day already. It helps put things into perspective.

I'm not saying this will be easy. Quite the opposite, actually. It must be done, however. If you can make it through the first few nights, much like smoking, it will be quite worth it in the long run.

You want me to drink what now?

The master cleanse. You've heard about it. It's peaked your interest. You've thought to yourself it might be a good idea. You are fucking wrong.

Just in case you've been living under a rock, here's the lowdown. Combine water, pure lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper, mix well, repeat. Drink this all day and eat nothing. Repeat for two weeks. The fuck you say? Exactly.

I must admit I have tried this bullshit in the past. After 48 hours I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I have no idea why someone would do this to themselves for 14 straight days. I know it's popular to cleanse these days. But can someone explain why? Why not just fast? Starvation is a surefire way to lose weight, sure, but it's also a good way to initiate a heart attack or some sort of organ failure.

There is no quick fix. Laxatives don't help, starvation doesn't help, cocaine doesn't help...Working hard does, though. You can determine the health of a person by what he takes two at a time, pills or stairs. I suggest you opt for the stairs and not for the latest miracle that is being irresponsibly touted by celebrities.

If you want to drink your meals, smoothies are a healthy way of doing that. You can add proteins, yogurt, grains, etc. Beware of anything that only allows for less then a thousand calories a day, unless you really want to hurt yourself. You should be exercising regularly and these bullshit ideas are going to make you sluggish and irritable. You will be incapable of walking out the door, much less walking around the block.

Don't fall for it. It's not going to cleanse anything but your motivation. You'll yo-yo back to fat asshole the second you come off it and for what? Drinking a shitty drink like an asshole.

My heartbreak.

Time for some seriousness. I cannot do this for you. As much as I would like to, you have to make this decision on your own. You have to decide to save your own life. I can bitch and moan, I can encourage and hope, but I cannot get inside your brain and fix what is broken. It breaks my heart.

I have several loved ones whose lives I fear for. I don't know the magic combination of words that will have the effect of making them get their shit together. I found my inspiration to do my own work, and I hope to be an inspiration to others, but I cannot force it, regardless of how hard I try.

It's just not funny anymore. Food is not a game or some sort of entertainment. Cheeseburgers cannot be a way of life. Sitting in front of a computer or television for hours instead of taking a walk around the block is only going to lead to pain and suffering in the long run. It literally makes me want to cry when I think that there are people I love whom I will outlive because of the way they choose to live their lives.

What's the magic trigger? If anyone knows the answer, please, tell me. What words do I say to make it click and encourage a life changing epiphany? I thought that maybe leading by example would work, but it doesn't. I hoped that people would see how happy I am and how good I look and think to themselves, "Well, if SHE can do it..." But it doesn't appear as if that's how this happens.

When does it occur to you that I cannot do this for you? You have to do this for yourself. You can't continue to put this off. My soul aches to think about this. I want all of us to look back on the days of "FAT" as distant memory and rejoice in our health and our future.

Please do this. I can only ask you to do this yourself and offer up advice and encouragement. You have to do the work on your own. What else do you need to see how this is affecting you and those who love you most?

You are acting like such a fucking asshole.

Para las mujeres...

Ok ladies. We all know that PMS fucking sucks monkey balls. You retain water like an asshole, you treat your friends and loved ones like an asshole, you crave asshole foods. It's just an all around asshole-fest.

Some tips to help? Don't fucking weigh yourself during this time. You are just going to cry and eat a gallon of ice cream if you do. You are probably carrying 5-10 extra pounds the week before Aunt Flo comes a calling. Wait until after your cycle is over and done with before you opt to step back on the scale again.

When I'm PMSing, I'm a fucking bitch. I get frustrated with anyone and everything. I cry, I want to hit things and/or people, I get my "hate on" for damn near everything. You know what's a good outlet for this? Sweating your ass off. I go to my gym and burn a thousand or so calories. I lift weights, I run, I go to an ab/core class. Afterwards I can't tell if I'm just sore or if I'm having cramps but I feel okay either way. It allows me to vent my anger and frustration. I crank up the Marilyn Manson or Eminem and get pissed off on the elliptical machine. It's good stuff.

If you are going to cheat on your good food rules, this is likely the time you are going to do it. Don't beat yourself up about it. While you ought to be choosing the apple or banana for a snack, sometimes a Snickers really does fucking satisfy. Your body is craving something. Allow your body to have it, but fucking do it in moderation. You can have a Snickers, not fucking 20 of them. And drink lots of water. It's good for you and helps to curb the cravings.

Lastly, you may want to consider looking into taking one of those "woman" pills. I know that personally, I have been offended when this was suggested to me. "REALLY???!!!? YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A FUCKING PILL, DO YOU???!!! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!" But you know what? They make those pills for a reason. They actually do help. You might want to consider them.

One thing you absolutely cannot do is decide that just because the tides have opened between your legs, working out can be put off. You still have to move. So next time Aunt Flo comes to town, bringing Grandpa Crampy and Cousin Cravings, consider what your body is going through and fucking deal with it like an adult. Bitch.

Bitch at them.

As a result of my recent conversation with a friend of mine about changing her food habits, she took my advice to try making smoothies for breakfast. I sent her to her local supermarket in search of frozen fruit. She called me the next day with astonishing news. When perusing her local freezer section she came across the "Frozen fruit" area. What did she find? Fucking Marie Calander's frozen fruit pies. WHATTHEFUCK?

At first she thought she was mistaken. She looked for an employee and he referred her to the "hippie" on staff who was able to find some overpriced organic frozen fruit in another area, but the selection was very limited. Seriously.

At some point, we as consumers have to demand better from our grocery stores and supermarkets. They have to know that we require better food stuff than the shit they have on hand. We've become complacent in our purchasing. If we don't ask for quality food then we deserve what we fucking get.

Here's something you might not know about stores. They want to sell you shit, obviously, but if they don't carry what you want to buy, they will generally find a way to get it for you. It might take some bitchin, but I'm sure you are more than capable of that. Ask for what you want. Ask the girl at the checkout counter, ask the stock-boy, ask the day manager, ask the mid-shift manager. If they don't know that they are missing out on a market, they won't know how much money they aren't making.

Encourage your friends and family to do the same. Demand whole grain options if you can't find them. Demand quinoa instead of Stove-Top. Tell them you have money burning a hole in your pocket and refuse to use it on shitty inferior products. This is a win/win situation. You get what you want to eat and they get to sell it to you. What the fuck is the problem here?

The difference between try and triumph is a little bit of umph! So try and get what you fucking want and/or need to eat, dammit!

What do I eat?

I had a LONG conversation with one of my best friends last night. She was talking about her normal, everyday food consumption and how she didn't want to diet. This is a problem. First of all, I think I've made it quite clear that diets do not work. A diet implies some sort of timeframe and that is never going to work in the longterm because eventually it will come to an end.

I don't know how many times I have to say it, I don't know how many different ways it can be said but your relationship with food MUST be reconfigured. There are two parts of this equation, exercise and food, and neither can be ignored.

Food is a wonderful thing. For binge eaters with food addictions food is the greatest fucking thing since sliced bread and sliced bread is fucking awesome. The problem lies in deciding what foods are actually good. My Mr. Wizard rules are pretty fucking simple but sometimes even that does not help with determining what should and should not be in your diet.

Here are some quick and dirty guidelines:

Meat:

Poultry = Good (baked or roasted/ no skin)

Fish = Good (never breaded or fried)

Beef and pork = occasional treats to be eaten VERY rarely

Veggies:

Steamed or raw is best.

Salads are fine provided there are no croutons, use a low calorie dressing.

Corn is not a vegetable, it is a grain. Do not count corn as one of your daily veggies.

Avoid fried veggies at all costs.

Fruits:

Fruits are fucking awesome, eat them regularly.

Avoid any prepared fruits that have added sugar (check for sugar in juices and frozen fruits, dumbass!)

Bananas are great but they are technically nature's junk food, expand your fruit horizons and eat berries, apples, citrus and melons.

Dairy:

Should be kept to a minimum.

Nonfat options are preferable (skim milk really isn't bad no matter what you've been told)

Cheese is not an every day food. Try to keep that down to 1-2 days a week and use shredded cheese to cover a larger surface area with less.

Grains:

Whole grains.

Whole grains.

Whole grains.

Did I mention whole grains?

Whole grain rice, whole grain bread, whole grain tortillas, etc.

Enriched bleached flour is for assholes.

Sweet:

I like Splenda.

Honey is good in moderation.

Cane sugar is preferable to anything containing high fructose corn syrup.

High fructose corn syrup is fucking stupid. This should not be in your diet at all.

Sweeten things with fruit.

Good ideas for meals:

Breakfast should be a no brainer. Smoothies are fast, easy and cheap. Frozen fruit, fruit juice (no sugar added), nonfat yogurt and blend for 20-30 seconds. You will be surprised how filling this is. Oatmeal is also good provided it is organic or steel cut. Sweeten with honey and/or fruit.

Lunch should be light and simple. I like a salad. Generally I use baby spring greens or iceburg lettuce, tuna, and a light balsamic vinaigrette. If that's not your thing, try a pita bread sandwich (whole grain pita bread, of course) with a side of carrot sticks or hummus. Any meat products should obviously be fish or poultry.

Dinner is most likely going to be where most of your caloric intake comes from. Learn to roast a chicken. It's fucking easy and cheap. Whole grain rice or couscous is a nice side and steamed veggies. Or bake some talapia filets or tuna steaks. It's a fast protein to cook and can be paired with almost any vegetable.

Snacks should be fruit (surprise!) or dry roasted nuts. Almonds are best. Pretzels are better than potato chips (bigger fucking surpise!).

Capiche?