Blues of the Cheese and Emotional Variety.

Depression comes and goes. It strikes when we are most vulnerable. I've heard of people who are too depressed to eat. I have never been so lucky. My melancholy generally invites peanut butter and cheese over for a big giant pity party.

During these times when I'd rather sleep the world away or hide in my apartment until the landlords kick me out on my ass I must remember that there are a few natural elements that are good for my soul and my body. I speak of sunshine. As hard as it may be to walk outside, once I'm out there and the sun hits my eyes I feel as though I should be doing something.

I run until I can only walk. I walk until the sweat stings my eyes and I'm crying like a fool. I cry and run and walk and sweat and the great thing is, no one else can tell the difference between me being red-faced from sobbing and me being red-faced from sweating. It's cathartic. The sweat releases my fears and frustration. The sun forces me to look at the beauty around me. By the time I come back home I am physically and emotionally exhausted. If I do lapse back into a heap on the couch with a peanut butter sandwich, at least I have earned it.

We all have "fuck my life" moments. We all have days, months, even years when we think it can't get any worse. Suck it up, cupcake. Nobody said it would be easy.

Now go the fuck outside.

Never get off the boat.

Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we don't even know we are failing until it is too late. Boo-fucking-hoo. I got a frantic phone call today. Someone I love became complacent and now the weight is coming back. Let this be a cautionary tale. You cannot reach a goal and then think you will maintain by not working just as hard. She'll be fine. I have every faith that this was a momentary lapse of judgement. But it should serve as a reminder that we should always be cognizant of what's going on with our bodies.

Willard of Apocalypse Now said it. Never get off the boat. Absolutely goddamn right! As long as you are working your hardest everyday, these things won't happen. Gaining weight can feel horrible, like losing the war. Don't let it stick to you like napalm.

Smell that?

What?

Napalm. Nothing else in the world smells like it. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.... The smell, you know that gasoline smell? The whole hill smelled like....victory. Someday this war is gonna end.

Little Girls and Grown Fucking Women

Little girls are clueless. They've come to college to meet boys, go to parties, and go to class when the hangover isn't so bad. They wear jeggings, or skinny jeans every day, regardless of appropriateness or body-shape. They wear high heels for no particular reason, which is baffling because the walk alone from the parking lot to campus is enough to make you want to cut off your feet, let alone walking around for the rest of the day. If it's not the 4 inch hooker shoes, it's those god-forsaken Uggs. Which is short for Fucking Uggly. Climate alert: It is never cold enough in San Diego to warrant the purchase or wearing of wool shoes.



The most troubling thing I see in young girls on campus, though, is what they are doing to their bodies. Pizza, soda, breakfast burritos, these are things that will stay with you. You can see them walking around, not worrying about what lies before them. Instead of paying so much attention to your stupid outfits and party plans, give some of that attention to what is going on with your body.



I am a grown-ass woman. I will not concede to wearing your silly tight pants, regardless of how fashionable you believe them to be. My hips are of the child-bearing size, I do not need to apply skin-tight denim to that. I will wear comfortable (but cute) shoes that get me from point A to point B dozens of times a day. I have also had the joy (or curse) of having large breasts, regardless of my waist size, so I will not be wearing tank-tops. I am not competing with these girls, thank science, but I can't help but notice our differences every single moment I am in school.



I guess I bring all this up because it was recently pointed out to me that I do not dress like a typical college student. Well, I am NOT a typical college student. I am finally comfortable with my body (mostly). I know what looks good on me and what is a fad for little girls. I'm going to show a little leg (because they are gorgeous, if I do say so myself), and a little cleavage (because mine is awesome), and I'm going to be a grown fucking woman.

This Should Be an Easy Choice

Fucking Hypocrite

You need to hold my still slightly fat ass accountable. In all my bitching about losing weight and becoming healthy I neglected to mention I smoke. Well, yes, I fucking lied by omission. You got me. I lose. I'm still an asshole. BUT....It's been well over 48 hours since my last cigarette and I think this might actually take. I'm not quitting cold turkey, like I have before. I'm using an eCigarette to curb nicotine cravings and oral fixations (I giggle EVERY time I type oral). I plan to use the eCig for a month and then quit that as well.

I used to joke that "quitters never win". That's when I was fat. That's when I was kidding myself and making jokes to deflect attention to my double chins. If I can lose all this fucking weight I can do anything. It's mind over body. Cravings will eventually subside and my lungs will happily reward my efforts.

So that's it. I wanted you to know that I'm still alive, I still workout religiously, and I'm still losing weight the slow and hard way (there I go with those damned BJ jokes again). Now I can add years to my life. My hot, sexy, skinny bitch life.

I feel used.

Picture this. I'm at the gym and there are approximately 20-30 elliptical machines to chose from. It's mid morning on a Tuesday so I practically have the entire fucking gym to myself. I chose my machine and start going at it. Then this girl, we'll call her "cupcake" comes in and starts looking around. There are dozens of machines to chose from. She chooses the one right next to me.

At this point I feel as if I should mention I believe there to exist an unspoken agreement amongst most gym goers. It's kind of like when you go to a public restroom and there are 15 open stalls and then someone choses the stall right next to yours. It's just uncalled for, really. Why you gotta be all up in my business?

So there I am sweating away and looking quite attractive as my December indulgences come back to haunt me. Cupcake, it appears, has chosen to work out next to me to make herself look more attractive to the menfolk. It works and a man who I shall call Beefcake comes up and starts chatting with her. For 30 fucking minutes I'm sweating my ass off and grunting and breathing heavy and these assholes are flirting and making a date for the weekend. Really? I needed to witness the mating ritual between Cupcake and Beefcake?

Eventually they walked away and went out into the parking lot to "exchange phone numbers" whatever-the-hell that might be code for. The only logical explanation I can think of though is that Cupcake really wanted to look her best and used me to juxtapose her botoxed perfection.

I'm just going to take this as a compliment, I've decided. I am a fucking aphrodisiac and I sweat sexual pheromones. Clearly, that's what happened.

A Valuable Lesson

It's been a while. But trust me, this gem of a story is worth it.

Some background: I've recently joined a new gym. The gym I've been using at school has become less convenient so I found a local gym with reasonable rates. That said, the only flaw this gym has is its proximity to a large shopping mall, especially now that Christmas time is upon us. More background: it has been raining cats and dogs in San Diego for the last week. Yesterday I found myself in a position where I desperately wanted to go work out, but did not want to drive in the crazy rain, with the even crazier Southern California drivers to the gym during the worst shopping traffic time of the year. Instead, I decided I'd run around the neighborhood for a little while. Rain be damned.

Big. Fucking. Mistake.

I learned something useful yesterday. When you decide to yourself that you are going to run in the pouring rain, and its particularly chilly outside, things are not going to turn out well. After 45 minutes of becoming completely drenched and cold I walked back into the warmth of my apartment. What happened next, I can only assume, is the physical equivalent to putting a sleeping persons hand in warm water. That's right. I involuntarily wet myself. I did not think I had to pee leading up to walking into my apartment, but apparently, the warmth of my livingroom combined with my general cold wetness led to a most humiliating moment. I stood in my doorway in utter shock. I could either laugh or cry. I chose to laugh.

And then I took a shower.

We gather here today..

You are losing someone you may or may not have loved. Yourself. With this comes a mourning period. You are going to find that you enjoy different things and that you've become a different person. You need to mourn the loss of the person you were and embrace the new life you have created.

For me, I did not love the person I was. I treated her poorly. I told her she was fat, I told her she was ugly. I told her she was lucky she got her boyfriend when she was young and thin because nobody would want her in the state she was in now. I do find myself saying those things to myself, still, but not as frequently. It's a process. I have to remember to congratulate myself on my progress this far and encourage myself to continue further.

In the early stages of weight loss and change, it can be hard to see progress. This is when you may be in denial. This cures nothing, make this stage of grief short and gear up for the other four stages. Anger will wash over you at some point. For me, my internal monologue went something like this, "What the fuck were you thinking? It's your fault you got into this mess to begin with, you fucking pig." This stage actually helped with motivation, especially when I put some Marilyn Manson on the iPod...

Bargaining might be the worst part of mourning your loss. "If I work out extra hard this week, I can eat anything I want." Not so fast, Cowbella, that's not how this is going to work. Perhaps once you've reached a maintenance stage you can start to look at your food consumption differently, but you and I have a while to go before we have this discussion.

Depression. It's a bitch. The weight doesn't come off fast enough, you plateau, you can't eat at parties like everyone else. The good thing is that working out and sweating helps rid you of those feelings of sadness and black is a VERY flattering color.

Finally we come to acceptance. This is the longest phase, I'm still going through it. I think I finally started to accept my loss when I started purchasing new clothes and got rid of my "fat" clothes. You need to accept the fact that others will be treating you differently. The sad fact is that people are generally nice and more attentive to those who are healthier looking. It takes getting used to. People will want to talk to you and will smile at you. It can be a bit unnerving, and it might make you resentful at first, "Why am I acceptable now, and not before?". You just need to let that go, remember to be nice to those around you who might be dealing with their own weight issues, and accept that our society is built for smaller people.

Mourn the loss of your former self, but try not to be an asshole to your new self. She's much cooler and can kick your ass.

Netflix is your new gym.

Wanna know something cool? Netflix Instant offers workout videos. That's right. You don't even have to leave your house to work out. This might be the coolest thing I've discovered in a hot minute.

I have a gym membership through my school. While I was in summer school, I had access, and now I'm in that awkward period of time between semesters where I have no gym access. This made me nervous. I've been doing so good, was I going to go back to a sedentary life and gain all that weight back? Fuck no! I've decided that a bare minimum hour long walk is mandatory every day. And every other day, I shall also include an ab/core video from Netflix. Hooray!

This service is only a few dollars a month, people. If you are nervous about going to a gym, or live in an area where walking outside is difficult, there is no reason not to do the work in your house instead. You don't have to buy fancy gym equipment, you don't even have to put on shoes! You do need to get your heart rate up and get your metabolism in action-mode.

If you own a Wii, a Playstation, or a Tivo, you have no excuse. Instead of sitting in front of the television, sweat in front of it! You don't have a fucking excuse, it's only $11 or so, and you'd probably spend that much on some shitty bad-for-you snack anyway. Do it! Do it now!

Two assholes, passing in the night...

I'm guilty of it. Snacking after dinner, before going to bed, while watching t.v. You're sitting on the couch, watching your favorite program and you think to yourself "this calls for a snack." Fucking wrong.

This is a particularly hard habit to break. You should stop eating approximately 2-3 hours before going to sleep. It's almost as hard as quitting smoking. Seriously. I can offer tips, but this is more-so a will-power thing.

Tip #1: Make sure your dinner is satisfying. Sounds easy, but if you are in a "diet" frame of mind, you might be holding back on a fulfilling meal. Don't worry about seconds, you should be eating good food anyway and your metabolism ought to be up because of all the working out you are doing. Don't starve yourself. Eat slowly and with purpose until you are no longer hungry. Chew your food well and satiate yourself.

#2: Avoid caffeine starting 5-6 hours prior to your bedtime. The more caffeine you consume, the longer you will stay awake and hunger is bound to strike again. Drink an herbal tea or water, instead. Sipping on water will also help curb your hunger because you are occupying your mouth.

#3: Brush your teeth. Sometimes your body just wants a flavor, not necessarily food. Brush your teeth or use some mouthwash. Your mouth gets the minty fresh benefit of a taste and it will help with your general oral hygiene.

#4: If television is your biggest trigger, turn the fucker off. Have a conversation on the phone, read a book, do your homework, pay the bills, clean the house. Remove the trigger and allow for a new nighttime ritual that does not include food.

#5: Go back to writing your food intake down in a journal. This will remind you of your goals and help you see your caloric intake for the day already. It helps put things into perspective.

I'm not saying this will be easy. Quite the opposite, actually. It must be done, however. If you can make it through the first few nights, much like smoking, it will be quite worth it in the long run.

You want me to drink what now?

The master cleanse. You've heard about it. It's peaked your interest. You've thought to yourself it might be a good idea. You are fucking wrong.

Just in case you've been living under a rock, here's the lowdown. Combine water, pure lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper, mix well, repeat. Drink this all day and eat nothing. Repeat for two weeks. The fuck you say? Exactly.

I must admit I have tried this bullshit in the past. After 48 hours I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I have no idea why someone would do this to themselves for 14 straight days. I know it's popular to cleanse these days. But can someone explain why? Why not just fast? Starvation is a surefire way to lose weight, sure, but it's also a good way to initiate a heart attack or some sort of organ failure.

There is no quick fix. Laxatives don't help, starvation doesn't help, cocaine doesn't help...Working hard does, though. You can determine the health of a person by what he takes two at a time, pills or stairs. I suggest you opt for the stairs and not for the latest miracle that is being irresponsibly touted by celebrities.

If you want to drink your meals, smoothies are a healthy way of doing that. You can add proteins, yogurt, grains, etc. Beware of anything that only allows for less then a thousand calories a day, unless you really want to hurt yourself. You should be exercising regularly and these bullshit ideas are going to make you sluggish and irritable. You will be incapable of walking out the door, much less walking around the block.

Don't fall for it. It's not going to cleanse anything but your motivation. You'll yo-yo back to fat asshole the second you come off it and for what? Drinking a shitty drink like an asshole.

My heartbreak.

Time for some seriousness. I cannot do this for you. As much as I would like to, you have to make this decision on your own. You have to decide to save your own life. I can bitch and moan, I can encourage and hope, but I cannot get inside your brain and fix what is broken. It breaks my heart.

I have several loved ones whose lives I fear for. I don't know the magic combination of words that will have the effect of making them get their shit together. I found my inspiration to do my own work, and I hope to be an inspiration to others, but I cannot force it, regardless of how hard I try.

It's just not funny anymore. Food is not a game or some sort of entertainment. Cheeseburgers cannot be a way of life. Sitting in front of a computer or television for hours instead of taking a walk around the block is only going to lead to pain and suffering in the long run. It literally makes me want to cry when I think that there are people I love whom I will outlive because of the way they choose to live their lives.

What's the magic trigger? If anyone knows the answer, please, tell me. What words do I say to make it click and encourage a life changing epiphany? I thought that maybe leading by example would work, but it doesn't. I hoped that people would see how happy I am and how good I look and think to themselves, "Well, if SHE can do it..." But it doesn't appear as if that's how this happens.

When does it occur to you that I cannot do this for you? You have to do this for yourself. You can't continue to put this off. My soul aches to think about this. I want all of us to look back on the days of "FAT" as distant memory and rejoice in our health and our future.

Please do this. I can only ask you to do this yourself and offer up advice and encouragement. You have to do the work on your own. What else do you need to see how this is affecting you and those who love you most?

You are acting like such a fucking asshole.

Para las mujeres...

Ok ladies. We all know that PMS fucking sucks monkey balls. You retain water like an asshole, you treat your friends and loved ones like an asshole, you crave asshole foods. It's just an all around asshole-fest.

Some tips to help? Don't fucking weigh yourself during this time. You are just going to cry and eat a gallon of ice cream if you do. You are probably carrying 5-10 extra pounds the week before Aunt Flo comes a calling. Wait until after your cycle is over and done with before you opt to step back on the scale again.

When I'm PMSing, I'm a fucking bitch. I get frustrated with anyone and everything. I cry, I want to hit things and/or people, I get my "hate on" for damn near everything. You know what's a good outlet for this? Sweating your ass off. I go to my gym and burn a thousand or so calories. I lift weights, I run, I go to an ab/core class. Afterwards I can't tell if I'm just sore or if I'm having cramps but I feel okay either way. It allows me to vent my anger and frustration. I crank up the Marilyn Manson or Eminem and get pissed off on the elliptical machine. It's good stuff.

If you are going to cheat on your good food rules, this is likely the time you are going to do it. Don't beat yourself up about it. While you ought to be choosing the apple or banana for a snack, sometimes a Snickers really does fucking satisfy. Your body is craving something. Allow your body to have it, but fucking do it in moderation. You can have a Snickers, not fucking 20 of them. And drink lots of water. It's good for you and helps to curb the cravings.

Lastly, you may want to consider looking into taking one of those "woman" pills. I know that personally, I have been offended when this was suggested to me. "REALLY???!!!? YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A FUCKING PILL, DO YOU???!!! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!" But you know what? They make those pills for a reason. They actually do help. You might want to consider them.

One thing you absolutely cannot do is decide that just because the tides have opened between your legs, working out can be put off. You still have to move. So next time Aunt Flo comes to town, bringing Grandpa Crampy and Cousin Cravings, consider what your body is going through and fucking deal with it like an adult. Bitch.

Bitch at them.

As a result of my recent conversation with a friend of mine about changing her food habits, she took my advice to try making smoothies for breakfast. I sent her to her local supermarket in search of frozen fruit. She called me the next day with astonishing news. When perusing her local freezer section she came across the "Frozen fruit" area. What did she find? Fucking Marie Calander's frozen fruit pies. WHATTHEFUCK?

At first she thought she was mistaken. She looked for an employee and he referred her to the "hippie" on staff who was able to find some overpriced organic frozen fruit in another area, but the selection was very limited. Seriously.

At some point, we as consumers have to demand better from our grocery stores and supermarkets. They have to know that we require better food stuff than the shit they have on hand. We've become complacent in our purchasing. If we don't ask for quality food then we deserve what we fucking get.

Here's something you might not know about stores. They want to sell you shit, obviously, but if they don't carry what you want to buy, they will generally find a way to get it for you. It might take some bitchin, but I'm sure you are more than capable of that. Ask for what you want. Ask the girl at the checkout counter, ask the stock-boy, ask the day manager, ask the mid-shift manager. If they don't know that they are missing out on a market, they won't know how much money they aren't making.

Encourage your friends and family to do the same. Demand whole grain options if you can't find them. Demand quinoa instead of Stove-Top. Tell them you have money burning a hole in your pocket and refuse to use it on shitty inferior products. This is a win/win situation. You get what you want to eat and they get to sell it to you. What the fuck is the problem here?

The difference between try and triumph is a little bit of umph! So try and get what you fucking want and/or need to eat, dammit!

What do I eat?

I had a LONG conversation with one of my best friends last night. She was talking about her normal, everyday food consumption and how she didn't want to diet. This is a problem. First of all, I think I've made it quite clear that diets do not work. A diet implies some sort of timeframe and that is never going to work in the longterm because eventually it will come to an end.

I don't know how many times I have to say it, I don't know how many different ways it can be said but your relationship with food MUST be reconfigured. There are two parts of this equation, exercise and food, and neither can be ignored.

Food is a wonderful thing. For binge eaters with food addictions food is the greatest fucking thing since sliced bread and sliced bread is fucking awesome. The problem lies in deciding what foods are actually good. My Mr. Wizard rules are pretty fucking simple but sometimes even that does not help with determining what should and should not be in your diet.

Here are some quick and dirty guidelines:

Meat:

Poultry = Good (baked or roasted/ no skin)

Fish = Good (never breaded or fried)

Beef and pork = occasional treats to be eaten VERY rarely

Veggies:

Steamed or raw is best.

Salads are fine provided there are no croutons, use a low calorie dressing.

Corn is not a vegetable, it is a grain. Do not count corn as one of your daily veggies.

Avoid fried veggies at all costs.

Fruits:

Fruits are fucking awesome, eat them regularly.

Avoid any prepared fruits that have added sugar (check for sugar in juices and frozen fruits, dumbass!)

Bananas are great but they are technically nature's junk food, expand your fruit horizons and eat berries, apples, citrus and melons.

Dairy:

Should be kept to a minimum.

Nonfat options are preferable (skim milk really isn't bad no matter what you've been told)

Cheese is not an every day food. Try to keep that down to 1-2 days a week and use shredded cheese to cover a larger surface area with less.

Grains:

Whole grains.

Whole grains.

Whole grains.

Did I mention whole grains?

Whole grain rice, whole grain bread, whole grain tortillas, etc.

Enriched bleached flour is for assholes.

Sweet:

I like Splenda.

Honey is good in moderation.

Cane sugar is preferable to anything containing high fructose corn syrup.

High fructose corn syrup is fucking stupid. This should not be in your diet at all.

Sweeten things with fruit.

Good ideas for meals:

Breakfast should be a no brainer. Smoothies are fast, easy and cheap. Frozen fruit, fruit juice (no sugar added), nonfat yogurt and blend for 20-30 seconds. You will be surprised how filling this is. Oatmeal is also good provided it is organic or steel cut. Sweeten with honey and/or fruit.

Lunch should be light and simple. I like a salad. Generally I use baby spring greens or iceburg lettuce, tuna, and a light balsamic vinaigrette. If that's not your thing, try a pita bread sandwich (whole grain pita bread, of course) with a side of carrot sticks or hummus. Any meat products should obviously be fish or poultry.

Dinner is most likely going to be where most of your caloric intake comes from. Learn to roast a chicken. It's fucking easy and cheap. Whole grain rice or couscous is a nice side and steamed veggies. Or bake some talapia filets or tuna steaks. It's a fast protein to cook and can be paired with almost any vegetable.

Snacks should be fruit (surprise!) or dry roasted nuts. Almonds are best. Pretzels are better than potato chips (bigger fucking surpise!).

Capiche?

"Me time"

When I'm getting sweaty, that is my own time. I don't have to talk to anyone else, I don't have to please else, and I sure as hell don't have to worry about anyone else. It's fan-fucking-tastic. My way of closing off the rest of the world involves my iPod. Once those earbuds are in you can bet I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing.

An iPod is a wonderful thing. You have no idea what I'm listening to in order to keep pace or pass the time. I have a diverse musical repertoire that I like to keep in rotation, some of which could be surprising to my peers at the gym. Some of my favorite songs to work out to include: The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson, Superman by Eminem, Grace Kelly by MIKA, Map of the Problematique by Muse, Auf Achse by Franz Ferdinand, SexyBack by Justin Timberlake, Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, Blue Monday by Candy Ass , and....wait for it....Botch-a-Me by Rosemary Clooney. It's an eclectic mix for sure. I try to keep at least 3 hours worth of music in a playlist filled with songs that have a substantial rhythm. I hit the "shuffle" button on my playlist and lord only knows what song will be playing next. Sometimes it makes me giggle (especially when Rosemary Clooney or Judy Garland is followed by Kanye West) and that keeps me interested in what I'm doing.

Don't like to listen to music? That's what they've invented podcasts for! I do find that sometimes, especially if I'm doing a walk around the neighborhood instead of doing the gym thing, a nice hour long podcast helps pass the time quite nicely. There are some really great podcasts out there, too. I subscribe to The Nerdist, Savage Love, This American Life, WNYC's Radiolab, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, Fresh Air with Terry Gross, Car Talk and Adam Corolla. My favorites are This American Life, Radiolab and The Nerdist because those are the ones that I'm more likely to either learn something from, be inspired by, or have one of those moments when I'm so consumed by what I'm listening to that I will intentionally walk longer and harder just so that I can hear more.

It's important not to become bored because that is one sure-as-shit way to stop doing what you need to be doing. Find something that inspires you to stay outside or on the treadmill. Then fucking listen to it.

Motivation: An Asshole's Frenemy.

It might be the hardest part of working out and dieting. Staying motivated can be a difficult bitch of a problem. One way I've found to be useful is to set short and long term goals that are realistic.

Short term goals can be anything you might be able to attain or measure in the coming weeks. For example; I would like to lose another 2-3 inches from my waist before the end of August. With that in mind I've set up weekly goals with regards to my workout schedule and food intake. In the next two months I plan on working out at least 8-10 hours a week. 5-6 hours of that will be cardio and the rest will be broken down between weight lifting and working my core muscles. I've arranged my weekly schedules to allow for 45 minutes to 2 hours of exercise a day.

I know I've mentioned in the past how important it is to do the work and refrain from finding excuses to avoid moving, but I cannot stress that importance enough. For me, I find the earlier I wake up the more likely I am to get my workout over and done with for the day. I personally find that if I wake up at 5am I can have my workout done with enough time to get school or work done and my metabolism is in overdrive for the rest of the day. I should also mention that I'm in a situation that lends itself to waking early and going to bed early because I have no social life. If you are so lucky as to have a social life, perhaps swinging by the gym after work or school might be easier for you.

As for my longterm goals, I have several different time-frames I'm working towards. I am 25 lbs away from being "normal" for my height. I would like to have that accomplished by Christmas of this year. I'm going back to my hometown and my motivation is the shocked look on the faces of my loved ones once they see me for the first time in almost two years.

By next summer (summer of 2011) I would like to be toned enough to wear a bikini. I have never worn one in my adult life and they fascinate me. I cannot wait to go to the beach wearing a cute bikini and not be concerned about bulges and lumps. Once I've reached the point where that is possible I will be able to enter a "maintenance" routine.

I want to be able to wear one of those cute strapless halter summer dresses. Or being able to wear a sleeveless shirt at all and not have that jiggly part of my upper arm flapping when I make a gesture. That keeps me motivated because I can visualize that happening in the relatively near future.

I want to walk into a room of people and not look around to see if I'm the fattest person in the room. I've done that almost all of my life and it sucks. I wonder if others do that. Is that just my problem?

This is not a sprint, it is a lifelong fucking marathon. I cannot allow myself to ever become the fat-ass funny girl at parties. I want to be the fine-ass funny girl instead. Setting goals and being motivated to achieve them can be painful, but it is required. Pain is temporary, giving up is forever.

I'd like to know what motivates you. What are your goals?

Inspiration vs. Stupidity

So something I find motivational is watching television shows dealing with others and their weightloss stories. There are some pretty good shows out there. And then there is the Biggest Loser. I finally forced myself to watch an episode because it's been recommended to me by several people. Prior to watching I already hated the show because it was the most unrealistic weight loss program with extreme results.

The Biggest Loser, in my opinion, is the horrible result from the meeting of reality show bullshit and our need to see something exceptionally rare happen very quickly. Like when the house of a hoarder gets cleared out and professionally decorated in a weekend. Or when someone's condemned house is demolished and turned into a McMansion for the owner and his entire disabled family in a mere 7 days. The Biggest Loser, however, seeks to take the morbidly obese and turn them into personal trainers in one season of television. Some people are losing dozens of pounds in days for Christ's sake!

I just don't understand how that can be healthy. The network must have paid some doctors to approve the workloads for these people because the show is ridiculous. Also, it allows the viewer to assume these results might be attainable in a similar time frame. When it doesn't, though, it allows the viewer to also lose hope and continue to be unhealthy and watching reality tv instead of doing something for themselves.

There are some good shows out there, though. I'd recommend Ruby on the Style Network. She is a work in progress. At her heaviest she was over 700 lbs. Now she is just under 300. It has taken a long time but she goes about it with the right priorities. She exercises religiously and is conscious of her food intake. She also has a great support system. That is really important, too, but that's another post.

I also like You Are What You Eat on the BBC. Host Gillian McKeith does use some scare tactics, but her food and exercise advice is spot on. I've also learned some interesting meal ideas from watching her. She makes food look exciting and fresh and her end goal is health and the weight removes itself quickly in becoming healthy.

I've heard recently that The Biggest Loser will be making changes to the show to make it more realistic. I hope that's the case. It's amazing that they believe that after months of working out every day, 5-8 hours a day, that the average contestant is going to go back to their normal lives and maintain or continue to lose. They have been setting these people up for disaster. I may give another try if they fix some major problems, but for now I don't find them to be inspirational at all, I find them to be assholes.

The worst spots are the best.

Parking lots are your friends. Why bother looking for the perfect spot when they have plenty of open spots available at the very far end. You should always be looking for ways to increase the amount of energy spent moving.

I'm not a fan of malls. I'm just not that girl. But when I do find myself in a situation where I'm going shopping, either for groceries or in the big box stores, I take advantage of the ample parking in the farthest part of the lot. If it's a big lot, that can be an additional quarter miles you've walked for the day. Also, taking the stairs whenever possible, instead of elevators or escalators, is a great habit to get into.

Find a fucking way to make yourself move more than normal. What is within walking distance from your home? I can walk to a drugstore, coffee shop, grocery store, and a frozen yogurt shop from my house. I take any opportunity to make the walk instead of the drive when going to these places. It's exercise without "working out".

Look for opportunities to walk as much as possible. It's an extra couple minutes of working off what ever asshole lunch you may have consumed. What are you waiting for? FUCKING WALK ALREADY!

Small victories.

Something new I've learned about myself? I fucking LOVE belts. You know what you can do with belts? See tangible progress. It's fucking awesome.

The first few weeks of starting an exercise program are ridiculously difficult and frustrating. You are still fat, but now you are also sore, sweaty, out-of-breath and exhausted. It sucks. I always thought that once you started moving the weight would just shed off and then maintenance would be the only issue. Fucking wrong. It's an excruciatingly long process. After about week two, the out-of-breathness and soreness goes away, but you are still chugging along with major extra baggage. You didn't think I was going to tell you this is a quick and easy process, did you? This is going to take time, and a shit-load of it.

After about 3-4 weeks of watching your caloric intake and vigorously exercising you will notice something amazing. Your pants will be a couple inches too big. You might not have even noticed this when looking in the mirror, but pant size does not fucking lie. Buy a belt. You will love it. I like to wear a belt until my pants are about 2 sized to big before I invest in a new pair of "transition jeans". It is so rewarding. The belt notches keep going down and each one is something to celebrate.

Fat is a funny thing. You may not technically be "losing" weight, but your body will readjust and possibly redistribute your weight. You will start getting smaller, slowly but surely, and while the scale can be a scary fucking place, your belt will be your friend.

As I've said before, the healthiest amount of weight to lose in one week is 1-2 lbs. You might not be able to see those kinds of results immediately, but your belt will show you all of your results. Even the bad ones. From now on your belt is not a fashion accessory, it's an asshole indicator.