Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Para las mujeres...

Ok ladies. We all know that PMS fucking sucks monkey balls. You retain water like an asshole, you treat your friends and loved ones like an asshole, you crave asshole foods. It's just an all around asshole-fest.

Some tips to help? Don't fucking weigh yourself during this time. You are just going to cry and eat a gallon of ice cream if you do. You are probably carrying 5-10 extra pounds the week before Aunt Flo comes a calling. Wait until after your cycle is over and done with before you opt to step back on the scale again.

When I'm PMSing, I'm a fucking bitch. I get frustrated with anyone and everything. I cry, I want to hit things and/or people, I get my "hate on" for damn near everything. You know what's a good outlet for this? Sweating your ass off. I go to my gym and burn a thousand or so calories. I lift weights, I run, I go to an ab/core class. Afterwards I can't tell if I'm just sore or if I'm having cramps but I feel okay either way. It allows me to vent my anger and frustration. I crank up the Marilyn Manson or Eminem and get pissed off on the elliptical machine. It's good stuff.

If you are going to cheat on your good food rules, this is likely the time you are going to do it. Don't beat yourself up about it. While you ought to be choosing the apple or banana for a snack, sometimes a Snickers really does fucking satisfy. Your body is craving something. Allow your body to have it, but fucking do it in moderation. You can have a Snickers, not fucking 20 of them. And drink lots of water. It's good for you and helps to curb the cravings.

Lastly, you may want to consider looking into taking one of those "woman" pills. I know that personally, I have been offended when this was suggested to me. "REALLY???!!!? YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A FUCKING PILL, DO YOU???!!! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!" But you know what? They make those pills for a reason. They actually do help. You might want to consider them.

One thing you absolutely cannot do is decide that just because the tides have opened between your legs, working out can be put off. You still have to move. So next time Aunt Flo comes to town, bringing Grandpa Crampy and Cousin Cravings, consider what your body is going through and fucking deal with it like an adult. Bitch.