Vacation is a bitch.

As I write this, I'm preparing to go on a mini-vacation for a few days in Florida. In the past vacations have equated to an "anything goes" attitude. Drink whatever, smoke whatever, and EAT whatever. I'm learning now how important it is to prepare mentally for removing oneself from an established exercise and food routine.

First it's important to think in terms of movement. When the fuck am I going to get my sweat on while away. Did you know that most hotels offer gym memberships? If you don't want to pay extra for something like that you can request a room on a higher floor and use the stairs each time you go to your room. Really, you should be using the fucking stairs whenever you encounter them anyway. Figure out where your destinations are in relation to where you are staying and if its feasible, fucking walk there.

Secondly, consider your eating habits when on vacation. I used to say to myself "I'm on vacation, I'm supposed to eat whatever I want!" What the fuck was I thinking? Where does that logic even come from? It's a good idea to research what fruits and veggies are local and in season for where ever you are traveling to and then seek those out. Food is always a treat on vacation, so why not enjoy something fresh, local, and prepared by those who really know what to do with it? Going somewhere known for fish? Eat the fish!

Drinking can be a problem when enjoying your new surroundings. Avoid any tacky umbrella drinks. The liquor may be low calorie but the sugary shit it's mixed with isn't. Try to find a local wine. Most areas will have a winery that specializes in whatever fruits are available. If a traditional grape wine isn't available, seek a blackberry or strawberry wine. The buzz is good, it's got that all important local quality, and you aren't going to have to worry about all the calories.

Lastly, I cannot stress the importance of drinking water. Water will occupy your mouth, helping you to avoid casual snacking and it's fucking good for you. You'll stay hydrated and help keep off that horrible vacation gut.

I hope this helps with any trips you have coming up. Summer vacations can be good for you, as long as you don't vacation like an asshole.

If you are going to "cheat" do it right.

I'm going to preface this by stating that you are not on a diet. You have changed the way you eat food. Because you have made those changes in your general, day-to-day eating, you can occasionally allow yourself something bad. If you are eating foods that are good for your body everyday, then it is perfectly acceptable to eat something you wouldn't normally allow in your kitchen. Moderation and rarity are key factors here.

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about what it means to allow yourself something to eat that fucking tastes good. I cook every day. I have a routine. I know exactly what I'm consuming. On Friday afternoon I allow myself a fucking treat. Jim (my spousal equivalent) and I choose a restaurant somewhere in San Diego and have a good lunch. This accomplishes two things. It allows me to have red meat and/or bacon that I so crave and it keeps me from having that shit in the house. I know that come Friday, I can have a steak or burger and fries and that's my bad food for the week.

The reason I mention this is because you should consider what it is that you really want. I love red meat. I love bacon. I love cheese. I would do anything for a good milkshake or something with peanut butter in it. But these are not and cannot be everyday foods for me. When I want it, I know I can get it on Friday at lunch time. Choose a day and choose a meal for that day. Then include that in your food rituals. It helps with the craving. It allows for a meal without counting calories or fat grams.

Here's the other thing about doing it this way, since you are saving money by cooking at home, splurge and have a nice lunch. McDonald's hamburgers are fucking gross. If you are craving a burger and fries go somewhere where they cook to order and ask you how you want your meat. If you want Mexican go somewhere that has homemade salsa instead of Taco Hell. Mom and Pop type pizzerias usually have way better pizzas then PizzaHut or Papa Johns. You'll appreciate the food so much more.

Today, for example, I had my regular fruit smoothie for breakfast and then went to the Burger Lounge for lunch. Had a burger, onion rings, and a chocolate milk shake. I didn't eat a nasty Whopper or Big Mac, I had an honest-to-science burger. It was fucking awesome. Tonight I'm roasting a chicken and having fresh veggies for dinner. I've satiated my desire for food that is bad for me and I'm back on the "good for me" wagon.

Just think about it. You can eat what you want in moderation. You just have to figure out what that means for you, asshole.

Taco Bell thinks you are a fucking moron.

So the other day I'm sitting in traffic right next to a Taco Bell. I don't know if you've been by one recently but they currently have two marketing strategies going on that are counter intuitive to each other.

One is their "Eat Healthy & Lose Weight" diet plan. Yeah, you read that right. Go on the fucking Taco Bell diet. I guess that means nasty processed chicken instead of greasy ground beef? Who thinks to themselves "well...I'm on a diet, so I think it'll be Taco Bell for lunch today!"

The other campaign they are currently running is the "Fourth Meal" concept. "2 A.M and you got the munchies? That can be solved with some heartburn inducing Nacho BellGrande love!" I'm not even going to go into the reasons you shouldn't be eating this late at night (that's another future rant), but what are these dickheads thinking? Did the two marketing geniuses not confer with each other on this? How are they going to A) tell the public that Taco Bell understands the needs of someone attempting to lose weight and B) encourage late night binge eating?

I know we aren't supposed to blame the fast food companies for making us fat. It's not like they force the food down our throats, right? But what kind of message is this sending to those who might lack a certain cognitive capacity to make rational food decisions? A fourth meal? Seriously? Because it's late and dinner was hours ago? As if the average American isn't already consuming three times the recommended caloric intake for a 24 hour period, now we are going to encourage another thousand or so calories right before going to sleep? I'm quite certain anyone going to take advantage of the late hours is going to be ordering from the "diet" menu . Taco Bell has lost their fucking minds. And they seem to think we have, too.

This is why I'm thinking that even if I were allowing myself a "cheat day" and really had a hankering for cheap, nasty, imitation Mexican food, I will NOT be going to Taco Bell. They clearly think I'm a moron and that makes them an Asshole.

Nutritional Facts are there for a reason.

I was shocked, SHOCKED, when I started looking at the Nutritional Facts on food labels. Back to my Mr. Wizard line of cooking logic, can you say definitively that you know what you are consuming? Caloric intake aside, the amount of additives, preservatives, coloring, flavor enhancers, etc., is alarming. So alarming I'm not even going to throw an expletive in this sentence because you should be cursing the next time you check the nutritional content of your favorite foodstuffs.

When you are shopping for the week at your grocery store, you should be taking the time to look at everything you plan to consume. How much sodium does this contain? How large is a "serving"? What kind of fats are present? Does it contain sucralose, sugar, cane sugar, aspartame, high fructose corn syrup? What does enriched bleached flour mean? Partially hydrogenated oil, yes or no? White or wheat? Wheat or whole grain? These are the questions you need to be asking yourself and investigating for your daily diet. Though I'll eventually be covering most if not all of those questions, why the fuck are you waiting for me? Do something for yourself and learn how to buy food, for fuck's sake!

Your diet, following the Mr. Wizard rules, should be made up primarily of things you recognize the names of and that, theoretically, you could have produced yourself. Chicken should look like it's a bird and not shaped into some random cute dinosaur. Vegetables should look and taste like vegetables, and not like salt and butter. Cereal should be grain based and not something a cartoon character covets.

Grow the fuck up! You are an adult, eat like one.

Mmmmm....sodium benzoate and yellow #5...

Remember when you were a kid and you got that chemistry set for your birthday and you were like "Woot!, I'm going to make me some beverages!" No? Then why the fuck are you still drinking soda?!?!?!?!!!!

My Nutritional Facts rant is forthcoming, but this is a pressing issue that needs special attention. Soda is a treat. A once in a blue moon, occasional beverage. It is not supposed to be your only source of water. Have you looked at the ingredient list in that nasty shit?

An easy way to determine if something, like say, a drink, is good for you is by checking the simplicity of it's ingredients. You should ask yourself "Could I theoretically make this beverage at home with out Mr Wizard's assistance?" If the answer is no, you probably shouldn't be drinking it. Water is preferable for all situations. Fruit juice, milk, tea and coffee are also good drinks in moderation. Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper should be saved for the rarest of occasions, if at all.

"But I need the caffeine!" That's why coffee and tea exist, bitch! I make this promise to you. If you only take one fucking thing away from everything I've written so far, it should be this. Stop drinking soda now and you will lose weight. This is a no brainer. If you are a dude, you can expect almost immediate results. If you are a woman, it might take several weeks or even a couple months, but you will soon find yourself in a situation where a new belt or pair of pants is in your future.

Throw that can out now and don't look back. It is the best thing you can do for yourself. It's a small but important step. What the fuck are you waiting for?

You knew it was coming.

Exercise is absofuckinglutely required. No sugar coating that one. You must move. It can't be theoretical or something you'll start once you've got the food thing down. It has to be a two for one deal.

The U.S. government recommends at least 30 minutes of exercise 3-5 times a week. The World Health Organization recommends 90 minutes of exercise 3-5 times a week. Who are you going to listen to? The fat ass Americans or the skinny rest of the world? You need to figure out how you are going to incorporate that into your daily routine.

You don't have to be a marathon runner, you don't have to start a basketball team, but you MUST get your ass off the couch and move around. Walking is free. Cleaning your house burns 200 calories an hour. Dancing to your favorite album is excellent cardio. This is not optional.

Now here is the part where you become crazy jealous of the fact that I live in San Diego, because I don't have to join a gym (though, now, I do use the one at my school regularly). For the first 6 months of my "lifestyle change" I walked. I walked everywhere. "Where's Becky?" "She's on a fucking walk!" I put on my iPod and I walked for an hour a day, or the equivalent to one podcast or music album. I walked when I didn't feel like it until I did feel like it. I walked until I was covered in sweat. I walked to see how long I could push myself. In order to lose 1 pound a week you have to burn 3500 more calories than you have consumed in said week.

Don't like to walk? Then find something else to do. But you have to do something or you are just a big fat asshole who is starving him/herself and you are doing nothing to improve your overall health. You know what you can do when you walk? Eat foods you like. See how this works?

There are days when I still don't feel like getting out of bed and putting on my running shoes, but I do it. I go outside and I take a fucking walk. Until they've perfected the magical skinny potion, I suspect I'll be doing this for the rest of my fucking life.

I realize the rest of the world does not have the climate or weather patterns we are blessed with here in San Diego, but that's why they've invented umbrellas, rain slickers, fleece jackets, etc. Weather is always going to try to impede your progress. Rainy days or cold days will always entice you into staying inside and sleeping in with the mindset that "I'll get back into my routine tomorrow." Who are you, fucking Scarlett O'Hara? What if it fucking rains tomorrow, too? You gonna take the whole week/month/year off? Then you ARE an asshole.

Nike was right, just do it. Just get off your rear end and walk somewhere. Start with whats comfortable for now and try to extend your timeframe by a little each week. Once you are up to 60-90 minutes a day, stay there and keep doing it.

It will be hard, but it must be done. You will be amazed how much better you feel in just a couple weeks. And then, it won't be so hard and you can be really fucking proud of yourself.

Being accountable makes you less of an asshole.

Where to start... You know how every Sunday night as you prepare for the week ahead you look at your closet, you look at your kitchen and you avoid looking at the scale? Thoughts pass through your mind that sound a little something like "Tomorrow, I'm eating nothing but rice cakes and celery", "I'm gonna get up early and walk for 2 hours before I go to work", or "Cocaine sounds like a good idea, I hear it's amazing for weight loss.". Yeah. So that's a bunch of bullshit.

You've heard this before, but before you know what needs to change, you need to know what you are doing to yourself to begin with. Sucks, doesn't it. I never said this was going to be easy, bitch. First thing you need to do is write everything down. I mean FUCKING EVERYTHING. I don't care if it's in a journal, in a word file, or an email to your 'chubby buddy'. Writing shit down will force you to look at what the fuck you are doing to your body.

Don't make changes in the first week. You need to see what the hell you've been doing on a "normal" week and maybe you'll see what your problem is. "Hmmm...So Monday, I had four pop-tarts and a large Frappacino for breakfast, a burger and large fry for lunch, and pizza with a ranch dressing covered salad for dinner. Then you know, cause I was being so good, I had cake and ice cream for desert and through out the day I had a couple granola bars as a snack, since they are healthy and all." "As for my activity....well....I walked to and from the car a couple times...so...." WTF! A week of this kind of consumption is going to guarantee that you gain weight every fucking week for the rest of your life. Think you are a fat ass now? Wait till next year, Bessie, you'll have a whole new wardrobe because you can't suck your gut into those elastic pants anymore.

At the end of this week you can check your caloric intake for the week (there are hundreds of websites that do that kind of shit). You are going to be shocked. The average person requires between 1700-2300 calories a day depending on height, weight, and activity level. I'm guessing you had no idea you were consuming upwards of three times that every day.

Then comes the hard part. You have to make an effort. I know you don't want to hear that, nobody does. The second week use your crazy journaling/pdf/emailing skills to be accountable for what you consume. Think of it this way. Do you really want to have to write down that you put that shit in your mouth. It's not like you can plead ignorance anymore. You know what you are doing now you have to figure out why you are doing it and what purpose it serves in your life. I did this everyday for the first 3 months once I decided I needed to fix my health. It became a game that went something like this in my head: "I would be ashamed to write down that I ate a King Size Snicker's bar, so instead, I'm going to eat this apple and write it down with pride."

After doing this for a few months, I figured out I had taught myself how to eat all over again. It became habit and while the physical act of writing it down everyday was no longer necessary, I continued to think about every piece of food that I was putting into my body.

It's something to think about. This weekend, find a buddy, or a spiral notebook, or create a new folder for your desktop. Can't find a buddy? I'll be one for you. I'm a work in progress and I'd fucking love for you to do this with me. But you have to commit. There is no more of this "I can't do it" bullshit. That's what assholes say.

My funny t-shirts.

It's time to share some background. I have never known myself to be comfortable in my body. Clearly, I have an AWESOME sense of humor and a winning personality but I would rather hide and make you laugh than feel as though someone were really looking at me and seeing me for my weight instead of the whole picture.

I have a large collection of funny t-shirts. Those who know me well know that I am usually wearing one everyday. Some show depictions of bunny cannibalism, others show the brutal murder of jelly donuts, but all of them generally get a reaction. I have literally dozens of them. I could wear one everyday for a month and a half and never repeat the same shirt.

Why do I own them? Because when someone was looking at me, I'd rather have them laugh at whatever was on my shirt than at my size. It's taken me a while to realize that. I would rather be the large funny girl with the weird t-shirts than just the large girl. If I had to go out in public I felt compelled to camouflage myself in humor.

I've seen the looks cast my way when eating in a restaurant. Judgement hurts. Whispers from the skinny elite hurts. Shame hurts. And my knees hurt really fucking bad, too.

I know my words sound harsh, but these were the words I had to say to myself everyday when I started my "lifestyle change". By the way, the term "lifestyle change", while a better alternative to "diet & exercise", I also find to be ridiculous.

Anyhoo. I thought I'd throw this bit of information out there. I'm not all "fuck" and "asshole". I have a soft gooey center, too, much like a Milky Way bar. Jesus, why do I always bring it back to fucking candy bars?

Peace out, fuckers.

Fruits and vegetables are fucking cheap.

So you know what else is a dickhead move? Buying fruit and veggies and then allowing them to rot in the bottom of your crisper drawer in the refrigerator. Seriously. Do you know how hard that shit was to plow, grow, pick, transport, etc.? Do you know how pissed off I would be if I took the time to make sure you had a lovely head of lettuce and a crate of strawberries, only to find them moldy and wilted, discarded in the the trash can? What a douche!

Here's the thing. There are always going to be deals in the produce aisle. Something is always in season and your menu should be changing with the seasons. You wouldn't wear your wool jacket in the middle of August, so why do want a fucking watermelon in December? Make sense? No? Fuck.

OK. So you want to buy vegetables and fruit, you just aren't sure when you'll be incorporating them into your menu. That's fine. There are these things called "freezers". They keep things "frozen". Your grocer's freezer aisle is fucking packed with fresh produce. It's got more nutrients and vitamins than the shit in the produce department because it was fucking flash frozen within hours of being picked from the fields. It hasn't been sitting in room temperature for the last week, getting picked over and dropped on the floor and dying from the horrible death called "shelf life".

Fill your freezer with these bags of fruit (no sugar added, mother-fucker) and veggies (no added salt or butter). Then, when your are roasting your chicken and cooking your whole grain rice, find a veg of your choosing and fucking heat it up! When your are making your steel-cut oatmeal in the morning for breakfast, add some frozen fruit as a sweetener.

All of these things are cheap, too, so don't worry about ruining your dumb-ass grocery budget. You won't have to buy those god-awful pop-tarts or sugary breakfast cereals. You won't have to buy fucking stove-top dressing or french fries for your dinner sides. That bullshit shouldn't be in your fucking kitchen anyway.

This is not rocket science. It's too easy. You can be lazy and eat well so what the fuck are you waiting for? You would absolutely have to be the biggest fucking asshole in the world not to recognize what a waste it is to NOT do this.

I'm learning to be less of an Asshole.

So why should you listen to me? I've been an asshole for quite some time. I treated myself poorly. I allowed myself to become morbidly obese. Why? Because I was an asshole.

"It's too much work to count calories." "I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be skinny." "Working out is hard and it hurts." Boo-fucking-hoo. After turning 30 years old it became increasingly apparent that my life could go into a multitude of different directions.

Option 1: Keep being an asshole. Keep eating whatever I want, whenever I want. Lock myself in my apartment because I'm ashamed of the way I look and cry when I look in the mirror. Avoid purchasing new clothes because I'm embarrassed to bring the big-girl clothes to the register. Wake up every night with heartburn and keep a bottle of TUMS on my night stand. Resent my skinny friends. Develop heart disease and die much too young like my father (deceased at the age of 45).

Option 2: Continue my search for the magic cure. What "AS SEEN ON TV" product holds my future in it's hands? What diet pill won't send me to the emergency room because of an overdose of ephedra? What if I just never ate bread or rice or potatoes again? I'd done the Atkin's thing before and it worked, until I stopped. Eating bacon and eggs everyday, all day, felt like it was leading to a heart attack. It is just not sustainable. Your body needs grains.

Option 3: I could stop being an asshole. I could do the work and watch my caloric intake like a grown-up and workout regularly. It would take time, but I'd heard somewhere this route might actually produce results.

After reviewing the aforementioned options it seemed that not being an asshole was my only choice. I longed to not hide from my mirror or shower in the dark to avoid looking down at myself. I didn't join a gym, I just started walking. I decided eating red meat was an asshole thing to do to my body. I learned how to roast a damn chicken and I did so at least twice a week. I learned how to do things to chicken and with the leftovers that did not make me feel like a shithead after every meal. I cooked veggies and whole grain rice and when I needed sweets I ate apples and bananas and oranges. Fruit is nature's candy for Christ's sake! "But chocolate has antioxidants!" MY ASS! If I'm eating a Snickers or a Whatchamakalit every day it's not because if it's antioxidant qualities, it's because I'm an asshole.

So that's it. Wanna know why you are a fatass? It's because you're an asshole. I speak from results. Since August of 2009 (it's now May of 2010), I've gone from an asshole size 20 (HOLY SHIT!), to a still somewhat of an asshole-ish size 14. It's been hard, it's been sweaty, it's been filled with cravings for peanut butter (my biggest fucking asshole treat), but it's working.

Wanna know more about this magical transformation?

Stay tuned, you fucking asshole...