Wednesday, December 22, 2010

A Valuable Lesson

It's been a while. But trust me, this gem of a story is worth it.

Some background: I've recently joined a new gym. The gym I've been using at school has become less convenient so I found a local gym with reasonable rates. That said, the only flaw this gym has is its proximity to a large shopping mall, especially now that Christmas time is upon us. More background: it has been raining cats and dogs in San Diego for the last week. Yesterday I found myself in a position where I desperately wanted to go work out, but did not want to drive in the crazy rain, with the even crazier Southern California drivers to the gym during the worst shopping traffic time of the year. Instead, I decided I'd run around the neighborhood for a little while. Rain be damned.

Big. Fucking. Mistake.

I learned something useful yesterday. When you decide to yourself that you are going to run in the pouring rain, and its particularly chilly outside, things are not going to turn out well. After 45 minutes of becoming completely drenched and cold I walked back into the warmth of my apartment. What happened next, I can only assume, is the physical equivalent to putting a sleeping persons hand in warm water. That's right. I involuntarily wet myself. I did not think I had to pee leading up to walking into my apartment, but apparently, the warmth of my livingroom combined with my general cold wetness led to a most humiliating moment. I stood in my doorway in utter shock. I could either laugh or cry. I chose to laugh.

And then I took a shower.

Monday, August 9, 2010

We gather here today..

You are losing someone you may or may not have loved. Yourself. With this comes a mourning period. You are going to find that you enjoy different things and that you've become a different person. You need to mourn the loss of the person you were and embrace the new life you have created.

For me, I did not love the person I was. I treated her poorly. I told her she was fat, I told her she was ugly. I told her she was lucky she got her boyfriend when she was young and thin because nobody would want her in the state she was in now. I do find myself saying those things to myself, still, but not as frequently. It's a process. I have to remember to congratulate myself on my progress this far and encourage myself to continue further.

In the early stages of weight loss and change, it can be hard to see progress. This is when you may be in denial. This cures nothing, make this stage of grief short and gear up for the other four stages. Anger will wash over you at some point. For me, my internal monologue went something like this, "What the fuck were you thinking? It's your fault you got into this mess to begin with, you fucking pig." This stage actually helped with motivation, especially when I put some Marilyn Manson on the iPod...

Bargaining might be the worst part of mourning your loss. "If I work out extra hard this week, I can eat anything I want." Not so fast, Cowbella, that's not how this is going to work. Perhaps once you've reached a maintenance stage you can start to look at your food consumption differently, but you and I have a while to go before we have this discussion.

Depression. It's a bitch. The weight doesn't come off fast enough, you plateau, you can't eat at parties like everyone else. The good thing is that working out and sweating helps rid you of those feelings of sadness and black is a VERY flattering color.

Finally we come to acceptance. This is the longest phase, I'm still going through it. I think I finally started to accept my loss when I started purchasing new clothes and got rid of my "fat" clothes. You need to accept the fact that others will be treating you differently. The sad fact is that people are generally nice and more attentive to those who are healthier looking. It takes getting used to. People will want to talk to you and will smile at you. It can be a bit unnerving, and it might make you resentful at first, "Why am I acceptable now, and not before?". You just need to let that go, remember to be nice to those around you who might be dealing with their own weight issues, and accept that our society is built for smaller people.

Mourn the loss of your former self, but try not to be an asshole to your new self. She's much cooler and can kick your ass.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Netflix is your new gym.

Wanna know something cool? Netflix Instant offers workout videos. That's right. You don't even have to leave your house to work out. This might be the coolest thing I've discovered in a hot minute.

I have a gym membership through my school. While I was in summer school, I had access, and now I'm in that awkward period of time between semesters where I have no gym access. This made me nervous. I've been doing so good, was I going to go back to a sedentary life and gain all that weight back? Fuck no! I've decided that a bare minimum hour long walk is mandatory every day. And every other day, I shall also include an ab/core video from Netflix. Hooray!

This service is only a few dollars a month, people. If you are nervous about going to a gym, or live in an area where walking outside is difficult, there is no reason not to do the work in your house instead. You don't have to buy fancy gym equipment, you don't even have to put on shoes! You do need to get your heart rate up and get your metabolism in action-mode.

If you own a Wii, a Playstation, or a Tivo, you have no excuse. Instead of sitting in front of the television, sweat in front of it! You don't have a fucking excuse, it's only $11 or so, and you'd probably spend that much on some shitty bad-for-you snack anyway. Do it! Do it now!


Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Two assholes, passing in the night...

I'm guilty of it. Snacking after dinner, before going to bed, while watching t.v. You're sitting on the couch, watching your favorite program and you think to yourself "this calls for a snack." Fucking wrong.

This is a particularly hard habit to break. You should stop eating approximately 2-3 hours before going to sleep. It's almost as hard as quitting smoking. Seriously. I can offer tips, but this is more-so a will-power thing.

Tip #1: Make sure your dinner is satisfying. Sounds easy, but if you are in a "diet" frame of mind, you might be holding back on a fulfilling meal. Don't worry about seconds, you should be eating good food anyway and your metabolism ought to be up because of all the working out you are doing. Don't starve yourself. Eat slowly and with purpose until you are no longer hungry. Chew your food well and satiate yourself.

#2: Avoid caffeine starting 5-6 hours prior to your bedtime. The more caffeine you consume, the longer you will stay awake and hunger is bound to strike again. Drink an herbal tea or water, instead. Sipping on water will also help curb your hunger because you are occupying your mouth.

#3: Brush your teeth. Sometimes your body just wants a flavor, not necessarily food. Brush your teeth or use some mouthwash. Your mouth gets the minty fresh benefit of a taste and it will help with your general oral hygiene.

#4: If television is your biggest trigger, turn the fucker off. Have a conversation on the phone, read a book, do your homework, pay the bills, clean the house. Remove the trigger and allow for a new nighttime ritual that does not include food.

#5: Go back to writing your food intake down in a journal. This will remind you of your goals and help you see your caloric intake for the day already. It helps put things into perspective.

I'm not saying this will be easy. Quite the opposite, actually. It must be done, however. If you can make it through the first few nights, much like smoking, it will be quite worth it in the long run.

Friday, July 16, 2010

You want me to drink what now?

The master cleanse. You've heard about it. It's peaked your interest. You've thought to yourself it might be a good idea. You are fucking wrong.

Just in case you've been living under a rock, here's the lowdown. Combine water, pure lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper, mix well, repeat. Drink this all day and eat nothing. Repeat for two weeks. The fuck you say? Exactly.

I must admit I have tried this bullshit in the past. After 48 hours I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. I have no idea why someone would do this to themselves for 14 straight days. I know it's popular to cleanse these days. But can someone explain why? Why not just fast? Starvation is a surefire way to lose weight, sure, but it's also a good way to initiate a heart attack or some sort of organ failure.

There is no quick fix. Laxatives don't help, starvation doesn't help, cocaine doesn't help...Working hard does, though. You can determine the health of a person by what he takes two at a time, pills or stairs. I suggest you opt for the stairs and not for the latest miracle that is being irresponsibly touted by celebrities.

If you want to drink your meals, smoothies are a healthy way of doing that. You can add proteins, yogurt, grains, etc. Beware of anything that only allows for less then a thousand calories a day, unless you really want to hurt yourself. You should be exercising regularly and these bullshit ideas are going to make you sluggish and irritable. You will be incapable of walking out the door, much less walking around the block.

Don't fall for it. It's not going to cleanse anything but your motivation. You'll yo-yo back to fat asshole the second you come off it and for what? Drinking a shitty drink like an asshole.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

My heartbreak.

Time for some seriousness. I cannot do this for you. As much as I would like to, you have to make this decision on your own. You have to decide to save your own life. I can bitch and moan, I can encourage and hope, but I cannot get inside your brain and fix what is broken. It breaks my heart.

I have several loved ones whose lives I fear for. I don't know the magic combination of words that will have the effect of making them get their shit together. I found my inspiration to do my own work, and I hope to be an inspiration to others, but I cannot force it, regardless of how hard I try.

It's just not funny anymore. Food is not a game or some sort of entertainment. Cheeseburgers cannot be a way of life. Sitting in front of a computer or television for hours instead of taking a walk around the block is only going to lead to pain and suffering in the long run. It literally makes me want to cry when I think that there are people I love whom I will outlive because of the way they choose to live their lives.

What's the magic trigger? If anyone knows the answer, please, tell me. What words do I say to make it click and encourage a life changing epiphany? I thought that maybe leading by example would work, but it doesn't. I hoped that people would see how happy I am and how good I look and think to themselves, "Well, if SHE can do it..." But it doesn't appear as if that's how this happens.

When does it occur to you that I cannot do this for you? You have to do this for yourself. You can't continue to put this off. My soul aches to think about this. I want all of us to look back on the days of "FAT" as distant memory and rejoice in our health and our future.

Please do this. I can only ask you to do this yourself and offer up advice and encouragement. You have to do the work on your own. What else do you need to see how this is affecting you and those who love you most?

You are acting like such a fucking asshole.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Para las mujeres...

Ok ladies. We all know that PMS fucking sucks monkey balls. You retain water like an asshole, you treat your friends and loved ones like an asshole, you crave asshole foods. It's just an all around asshole-fest.

Some tips to help? Don't fucking weigh yourself during this time. You are just going to cry and eat a gallon of ice cream if you do. You are probably carrying 5-10 extra pounds the week before Aunt Flo comes a calling. Wait until after your cycle is over and done with before you opt to step back on the scale again.

When I'm PMSing, I'm a fucking bitch. I get frustrated with anyone and everything. I cry, I want to hit things and/or people, I get my "hate on" for damn near everything. You know what's a good outlet for this? Sweating your ass off. I go to my gym and burn a thousand or so calories. I lift weights, I run, I go to an ab/core class. Afterwards I can't tell if I'm just sore or if I'm having cramps but I feel okay either way. It allows me to vent my anger and frustration. I crank up the Marilyn Manson or Eminem and get pissed off on the elliptical machine. It's good stuff.

If you are going to cheat on your good food rules, this is likely the time you are going to do it. Don't beat yourself up about it. While you ought to be choosing the apple or banana for a snack, sometimes a Snickers really does fucking satisfy. Your body is craving something. Allow your body to have it, but fucking do it in moderation. You can have a Snickers, not fucking 20 of them. And drink lots of water. It's good for you and helps to curb the cravings.

Lastly, you may want to consider looking into taking one of those "woman" pills. I know that personally, I have been offended when this was suggested to me. "REALLY???!!!? YOU WANT ME TO TAKE A FUCKING PILL, DO YOU???!!! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!" But you know what? They make those pills for a reason. They actually do help. You might want to consider them.

One thing you absolutely cannot do is decide that just because the tides have opened between your legs, working out can be put off. You still have to move. So next time Aunt Flo comes to town, bringing Grandpa Crampy and Cousin Cravings, consider what your body is going through and fucking deal with it like an adult. Bitch.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Bitch at them.

As a result of my recent conversation with a friend of mine about changing her food habits, she took my advice to try making smoothies for breakfast. I sent her to her local supermarket in search of frozen fruit. She called me the next day with astonishing news. When perusing her local freezer section she came across the "Frozen fruit" area. What did she find? Fucking Marie Calander's frozen fruit pies. WHATTHEFUCK?

At first she thought she was mistaken. She looked for an employee and he referred her to the "hippie" on staff who was able to find some overpriced organic frozen fruit in another area, but the selection was very limited. Seriously.

At some point, we as consumers have to demand better from our grocery stores and supermarkets. They have to know that we require better food stuff than the shit they have on hand. We've become complacent in our purchasing. If we don't ask for quality food then we deserve what we fucking get.

Here's something you might not know about stores. They want to sell you shit, obviously, but if they don't carry what you want to buy, they will generally find a way to get it for you. It might take some bitchin, but I'm sure you are more than capable of that. Ask for what you want. Ask the girl at the checkout counter, ask the stock-boy, ask the day manager, ask the mid-shift manager. If they don't know that they are missing out on a market, they won't know how much money they aren't making.

Encourage your friends and family to do the same. Demand whole grain options if you can't find them. Demand quinoa instead of Stove-Top. Tell them you have money burning a hole in your pocket and refuse to use it on shitty inferior products. This is a win/win situation. You get what you want to eat and they get to sell it to you. What the fuck is the problem here?

The difference between try and triumph is a little bit of umph! So try and get what you fucking want and/or need to eat, dammit!

Thursday, July 1, 2010

What do I eat?

I had a LONG conversation with one of my best friends last night. She was talking about her normal, everyday food consumption and how she didn't want to diet. This is a problem. First of all, I think I've made it quite clear that diets do not work. A diet implies some sort of timeframe and that is never going to work in the longterm because eventually it will come to an end.

I don't know how many times I have to say it, I don't know how many different ways it can be said but your relationship with food MUST be reconfigured. There are two parts of this equation, exercise and food, and neither can be ignored.

Food is a wonderful thing. For binge eaters with food addictions food is the greatest fucking thing since sliced bread and sliced bread is fucking awesome. The problem lies in deciding what foods are actually good. My Mr. Wizard rules are pretty fucking simple but sometimes even that does not help with determining what should and should not be in your diet.

Here are some quick and dirty guidelines:
Meat:
Poultry = Good (baked or roasted/ no skin)
Fish = Good (never breaded or fried)
Beef and pork = occasional treats to be eaten VERY rarely

Veggies:
Steamed or raw is best.
Salads are fine provided there are no croutons, use a low calorie dressing.
Corn is not a vegetable, it is a grain. Do not count corn as one of your daily veggies.
Avoid fried veggies at all costs.

Fruits:
Fruits are fucking awesome, eat them regularly.
Avoid any prepared fruits that have added sugar (check for sugar in juices and frozen fruits, dumbass!)
Bananas are great but they are technically nature's junk food, expand your fruit horizons and eat berries, apples, citrus and melons.

Dairy:
Should be kept to a minimum.
Nonfat options are preferable (skim milk really isn't bad no matter what you've been told)
Cheese is not an every day food. Try to keep that down to 1-2 days a week and use shredded cheese to cover a larger surface area with less.

Grains:
Whole grains.
Whole grains.
Whole grains.
Did I mention whole grains?
Whole grain rice, whole grain bread, whole grain tortillas, etc.
Enriched bleached flour is for assholes.

Sweet:
I like Splenda.
Honey is good in moderation.
Cane sugar is preferable to anything containing high fructose corn syrup.
High fructose corn syrup is fucking stupid. This should not be in your diet at all.
Sweeten things with fruit.

Good ideas for meals:

Breakfast should be a no brainer. Smoothies are fast, easy and cheap. Frozen fruit, fruit juice (no sugar added), nonfat yogurt and blend for 20-30 seconds. You will be surprised how filling this is. Oatmeal is also good provided it is organic or steel cut. Sweeten with honey and/or fruit.

Lunch should be light and simple. I like a salad. Generally I use baby spring greens or iceburg lettuce, tuna, and a light balsamic vinaigrette. If that's not your thing, try a pita bread sandwich (whole grain pita bread, of course) with a side of carrot sticks or hummus. Any meat products should obviously be fish or poultry.

Dinner is most likely going to be where most of your caloric intake comes from. Learn to roast a chicken. It's fucking easy and cheap. Whole grain rice or couscous is a nice side and steamed veggies. Or bake some talapia filets or tuna steaks. It's a fast protein to cook and can be paired with almost any vegetable.

Snacks should be fruit (surprise!) or dry roasted nuts. Almonds are best. Pretzels are better than potato chips (bigger fucking surpise!).

Capiche?

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

"Me time"

When I'm getting sweaty, that is my own time. I don't have to talk to anyone else, I don't have to please else, and I sure as hell don't have to worry about anyone else. It's fan-fucking-tastic. My way of closing off the rest of the world involves my iPod. Once those earbuds are in you can bet I don't give a shit what anyone else is doing.

An iPod is a wonderful thing. You have no idea what I'm listening to in order to keep pace or pass the time. I have a diverse musical repertoire that I like to keep in rotation, some of which could be surprising to my peers at the gym. Some of my favorite songs to work out to include: The Beautiful People by Marilyn Manson, Superman by Eminem, Grace Kelly by MIKA, Map of the Problematique by Muse, Auf Achse by Franz Ferdinand, SexyBack by Justin Timberlake, Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, Blue Monday by Candy Ass , and....wait for it....Botch-a-Me by Rosemary Clooney. It's an eclectic mix for sure. I try to keep at least 3 hours worth of music in a playlist filled with songs that have a substantial rhythm. I hit the "shuffle" button on my playlist and lord only knows what song will be playing next. Sometimes it makes me giggle (especially when Rosemary Clooney or Judy Garland is followed by Kanye West) and that keeps me interested in what I'm doing.

Don't like to listen to music? That's what they've invented podcasts for! I do find that sometimes, especially if I'm doing a walk around the neighborhood instead of doing the gym thing, a nice hour long podcast helps pass the time quite nicely. There are some really great podcasts out there, too. I subscribe to The Nerdist, Savage Love, This American Life, WNYC's Radiolab, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, Fresh Air with Terry Gross, Car Talk and Adam Corolla. My favorites are This American Life, Radiolab and The Nerdist because those are the ones that I'm more likely to either learn something from, be inspired by, or have one of those moments when I'm so consumed by what I'm listening to that I will intentionally walk longer and harder just so that I can hear more.

It's important not to become bored because that is one sure-as-shit way to stop doing what you need to be doing. Find something that inspires you to stay outside or on the treadmill. Then fucking listen to it.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Motivation: An Asshole's Frenemy.

It might be the hardest part of working out and dieting. Staying motivated can be a difficult bitch of a problem. One way I've found to be useful is to set short and long term goals that are realistic.

Short term goals can be anything you might be able to attain or measure in the coming weeks. For example; I would like to lose another 2-3 inches from my waist before the end of August. With that in mind I've set up weekly goals with regards to my workout schedule and food intake. In the next two months I plan on working out at least 8-10 hours a week. 5-6 hours of that will be cardio and the rest will be broken down between weight lifting and working my core muscles. I've arranged my weekly schedules to allow for 45 minutes to 2 hours of exercise a day.

I know I've mentioned in the past how important it is to do the work and refrain from finding excuses to avoid moving, but I cannot stress that importance enough. For me, I find the earlier I wake up the more likely I am to get my workout over and done with for the day. I personally find that if I wake up at 5am I can have my workout done with enough time to get school or work done and my metabolism is in overdrive for the rest of the day. I should also mention that I'm in a situation that lends itself to waking early and going to bed early because I have no social life. If you are so lucky as to have a social life, perhaps swinging by the gym after work or school might be easier for you.

As for my longterm goals, I have several different time-frames I'm working towards. I am 25 lbs away from being "normal" for my height. I would like to have that accomplished by Christmas of this year. I'm going back to my hometown and my motivation is the shocked look on the faces of my loved ones once they see me for the first time in almost two years.

By next summer (summer of 2011) I would like to be toned enough to wear a bikini. I have never worn one in my adult life and they fascinate me. I cannot wait to go to the beach wearing a cute bikini and not be concerned about bulges and lumps. Once I've reached the point where that is possible I will be able to enter a "maintenance" routine.

I want to be able to wear one of those cute strapless halter summer dresses. Or being able to wear a sleeveless shirt at all and not have that jiggly part of my upper arm flapping when I make a gesture. That keeps me motivated because I can visualize that happening in the relatively near future.

I want to walk into a room of people and not look around to see if I'm the fattest person in the room. I've done that almost all of my life and it sucks. I wonder if others do that. Is that just my problem?

This is not a sprint, it is a lifelong fucking marathon. I cannot allow myself to ever become the fat-ass funny girl at parties. I want to be the fine-ass funny girl instead. Setting goals and being motivated to achieve them can be painful, but it is required. Pain is temporary, giving up is forever.

I'd like to know what motivates you. What are your goals?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Inspiration vs. Stupidity

So something I find motivational is watching television shows dealing with others and their weightloss stories. There are some pretty good shows out there. And then there is the Biggest Loser. I finally forced myself to watch an episode because it's been recommended to me by several people. Prior to watching I already hated the show because it was the most unrealistic weight loss program with extreme results.

The Biggest Loser, in my opinion, is the horrible result from the meeting of reality show bullshit and our need to see something exceptionally rare happen very quickly. Like when the house of a hoarder gets cleared out and professionally decorated in a weekend. Or when someone's condemned house is demolished and turned into a McMansion for the owner and his entire disabled family in a mere 7 days. The Biggest Loser, however, seeks to take the morbidly obese and turn them into personal trainers in one season of television. Some people are losing dozens of pounds in days for Christ's sake!

I just don't understand how that can be healthy. The network must have paid some doctors to approve the workloads for these people because the show is ridiculous. Also, it allows the viewer to assume these results might be attainable in a similar time frame. When it doesn't, though, it allows the viewer to also lose hope and continue to be unhealthy and watching reality tv instead of doing something for themselves.

There are some good shows out there, though. I'd recommend Ruby on the Style Network. She is a work in progress. At her heaviest she was over 700 lbs. Now she is just under 300. It has taken a long time but she goes about it with the right priorities. She exercises religiously and is conscious of her food intake. She also has a great support system. That is really important, too, but that's another post.

I also like You Are What You Eat on the BBC. Host Gillian McKeith does use some scare tactics, but her food and exercise advice is spot on. I've also learned some interesting meal ideas from watching her. She makes food look exciting and fresh and her end goal is health and the weight removes itself quickly in becoming healthy.

I've heard recently that The Biggest Loser will be making changes to the show to make it more realistic. I hope that's the case. It's amazing that they believe that after months of working out every day, 5-8 hours a day, that the average contestant is going to go back to their normal lives and maintain or continue to lose. They have been setting these people up for disaster. I may give another try if they fix some major problems, but for now I don't find them to be inspirational at all, I find them to be assholes.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

The worst spots are the best.

Parking lots are your friends. Why bother looking for the perfect spot when they have plenty of open spots available at the very far end. You should always be looking for ways to increase the amount of energy spent moving.

I'm not a fan of malls. I'm just not that girl. But when I do find myself in a situation where I'm going shopping, either for groceries or in the big box stores, I take advantage of the ample parking in the farthest part of the lot. If it's a big lot, that can be an additional quarter miles you've walked for the day. Also, taking the stairs whenever possible, instead of elevators or escalators, is a great habit to get into.

Find a fucking way to make yourself move more than normal. What is within walking distance from your home? I can walk to a drugstore, coffee shop, grocery store, and a frozen yogurt shop from my house. I take any opportunity to make the walk instead of the drive when going to these places. It's exercise without "working out".

Look for opportunities to walk as much as possible. It's an extra couple minutes of working off what ever asshole lunch you may have consumed. What are you waiting for? FUCKING WALK ALREADY!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Small victories.

Something new I've learned about myself? I fucking LOVE belts. You know what you can do with belts? See tangible progress. It's fucking awesome.

The first few weeks of starting an exercise program are ridiculously difficult and frustrating. You are still fat, but now you are also sore, sweaty, out-of-breath and exhausted. It sucks. I always thought that once you started moving the weight would just shed off and then maintenance would be the only issue. Fucking wrong. It's an excruciatingly long process. After about week two, the out-of-breathness and soreness goes away, but you are still chugging along with major extra baggage. You didn't think I was going to tell you this is a quick and easy process, did you? This is going to take time, and a shit-load of it.

After about 3-4 weeks of watching your caloric intake and vigorously exercising you will notice something amazing. Your pants will be a couple inches too big. You might not have even noticed this when looking in the mirror, but pant size does not fucking lie. Buy a belt. You will love it. I like to wear a belt until my pants are about 2 sized to big before I invest in a new pair of "transition jeans". It is so rewarding. The belt notches keep going down and each one is something to celebrate.

Fat is a funny thing. You may not technically be "losing" weight, but your body will readjust and possibly redistribute your weight. You will start getting smaller, slowly but surely, and while the scale can be a scary fucking place, your belt will be your friend.

As I've said before, the healthiest amount of weight to lose in one week is 1-2 lbs. You might not be able to see those kinds of results immediately, but your belt will show you all of your results. Even the bad ones. From now on your belt is not a fashion accessory, it's an asshole indicator.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Fatty's and Assholes at the Gym.

I used to think that if I were to do exercise in a public area, whether it be my neighborhood or a gym, people would laugh at me or talk about me behind my back. "Check out the fatty walking over there." "What does she think she's doing?" You know what, though? That is a bunch of bullshit.

At this point in my weight loss I have lost 50 pounds and need to lose about 30 more before I'm at a "normal" weight. It's a slow and steady process, but I'm working hard and sweating a lot. When I'm at the gym I am not the biggest girl there anymore and while that makes me happy, I can say definitively that when I see a bigger person at the gym working out, my first fucking thought is "Good for them." Seriously. We aren't children, why are we afraid that other's will treat us like children?

If somebody were to go out of their fucking way to make you feel bad about bettering yourself are you really worried about what they think anyway? You can lose weight, they will always be a dickface. Whatever is keeping you from working out, you need to wrap your brain around that and confront it. No one is laughing at you, no one is going to say anything to you, probably, no one even fucking cares that you are doing it. It's easy to project your own worries and assign them to others, it's harder to walk out your front door and get sweaty for an hour or two.

Don't sweat the small shit, sweat the long fucking walk you are about to take.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Look at it, part 2: Electric Boogaloo

Something else that is important when it comes to losing weight is figuring out what the fuck happened to make you so fat. This is where I admit to being a binge-eater.
That is something it took me a LONG time to admit. While I never played sports as a child, I maintain that I was fairly active. In the summer I spent all day, every day at the pool swimming until I was completely exhausted. Throughout the school year I played in gym and on the playground. I wasn't the skinniest thing in the world, but I was by no means obese either. Somewhere in my early twenties, however, something changed. Maybe it was the pot, maybe it was that I opted to not go right on to college, maybe it was because my idea of a good time involved hanging out at coffee shops with my friends instead of doing something active, but SOMETHING I was doing was allowing me to eat until it hurt.

It's painful to think that I was so consumed by food. I liked to think that I was a foodie who only over indulged when it was a particularly good food, but I was also redefining what "good" meant. "You know who has the best cheap pizza?" "That is my favorite kind of Little Debbie." "Krispey Kreme doughnuts are so fucking good!"

My eating disorder had taken over my life. I had to recognize it for what it was before I could do anything. It's helpful to ask yourself what has caused your current situation. Look at your eating history, your relationship with food. Is it a form of entertainment? Is it something to do when you are bored? Do you hide empty food containers from loved ones? Do you find yourself eating ALL of something instead of a normal portion size?

I still deal with this everyday. It's constant fucking vigilance to make sure I'm eating normally. Sometimes I falter and have an "asshole moment". The thing is, I can't dwell on it once it's done. I have to keep my binges to a bare minimum, especially during PMS, and try to avoid them ahead of time if I know I'm putting myself in a potential binging situation.

So here's the TL;DR version. Figure out what you are doing to sabatoge your weight-loss. And stop dwelling on your asshole past.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Look at it.

A few years ago I lived in this kick-ass apartment with my boyfriend. It was the perfect set up. It was a duplex with large square footage and two of our best friends lived on the other half. I had a great kitchen and a large living room that could seat 6-10 of my closest friends. We had a room for a pool table and a large back patio. In all that awesomeness you know what I didn't have anywhere in the apartment? A full size mirror.
I thought I was a normal size. I had small mirrors in the bathroom, but otherwise I was never forced to look at myself. I could rationalize that reflections in car windows or glass doors were exaggerated. I had no idea what a fat-ass I had become.

When you stand on a scale, you can take that number and figure out a way to make that okay. "Well, you see, I have large breasts, so a lot of that weight is accounted for." "I'm taller than normal, so this number should be larger, too." To avoid such a stupid line of logic it is so fucking helpful to spend some time looking at your relative size to the space around you. Stand in front of the mirror for a while. Take it in. Try on a couple outfits and see what you really look like instead of what you think you look like. It can cause a fucking epiphany.

Measure your waist. Do it. Check out THAT number. If you are male, you chance for heart disease is huge if your waist is over 42 inches. If you are female that number should be 35. What is your number? You need to know this and you need to know your goals. How many inches do you need to lose to be healthy?

Spend some time looking at yourself and your size. For real. The numbers might come as a complete fucking shock but you need to start investigating your body and know what's going on with it. Health care costs will only get worse as we get older and fixing our size and intake is only going to prevent the bills from getting larger.

Hang a full length mirror somewhere in your house and spend some time with it. As you continue to work out and watch your food intake that mirror will keep you motivated and be the first to congratulate you on your achievements. A few months ago I walked into the kitchen and passed the mirror and caught my silhouette for a split second and didn't recognize the image. That felt so fucking good. You will fucking love it, too.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Achilles heel

I love peanut butter. I LOVE peanut butter. I love crunchy peanut butter, I love creamy peanut butter. I love peanut butter cookies and ice cream. I love peanut butter and banana sandwiches. I love spoonfuls of peanut butter.

With that said, I no longer keep peanut butter in my kitchen because it is my fucking Achilles heel. It is impossible to keep a jar of peanut butter in my house for occasional, casual snacking. If it is in my pantry I will continue to eat it. I have not purchased a jar in almost a year and while I miss it and think of it often, it's the best thing I could have done for myself.

What is it that you keep in your kitchen to sabotage yourself? This is why cleaning out your pantry and starting with a fresh, guilt-free kitchen is absolutely necessary. Your kitchen should be your sanctuary. It should be the place in your house that provides nourishment to your body, not where you feel guilt for binging on potato chips or Little Debbies. You should be able to fucking walk into your kitchen, pull anything out of the cupboard or refrigerator and not worry about it.

It takes a while to get used to the idea that having your favorite item not readily available is a good thing. Suck it up and fucking deal with it. Maybe if you weren't shoving the cookies down your fucking pie-hole you wouldn't be in this predicament in the first place. Once you've gotten used to snacking on apples or oranges you will start to crave them instead. I consider my greatest achievement to be the month when my PMS cravings sent me into a Granny Smith apple frenzy instead of a tub of peanut butter.

Figure out what you need to get rid of and do it now. It's fucking liberating.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Vacation is a bitch.

As I write this, I'm preparing to go on a mini-vacation for a few days in Florida. In the past vacations have equated to an "anything goes" attitude. Drink whatever, smoke whatever, and EAT whatever. I'm learning now how important it is to prepare mentally for removing oneself from an established exercise and food routine.

First it's important to think in terms of movement. When the fuck am I going to get my sweat on while away. Did you know that most hotels offer gym memberships? If you don't want to pay extra for something like that you can request a room on a higher floor and use the stairs each time you go to your room. Really, you should be using the fucking stairs whenever you encounter them anyway. Figure out where your destinations are in relation to where you are staying and if its feasible, fucking walk there.

Secondly, consider your eating habits when on vacation. I used to say to myself "I'm on vacation, I'm supposed to eat whatever I want!" What the fuck was I thinking? Where does that logic even come from? It's a good idea to research what fruits and veggies are local and in season for where ever you are traveling to and then seek those out. Food is always a treat on vacation, so why not enjoy something fresh, local, and prepared by those who really know what to do with it? Going somewhere known for fish? Eat the fish!
Drinking can be a problem when enjoying your new surroundings. Avoid any tacky umbrella drinks. The liquor may be low calorie but the sugary shit it's mixed with isn't. Try to find a local wine. Most areas will have a winery that specializes in whatever fruits are available. If a traditional grape wine isn't available, seek a blackberry or strawberry wine. The buzz is good, it's got that all important local quality, and you aren't going to have to worry about all the calories.

Lastly, I cannot stress the importance of drinking water. Water will occupy your mouth, helping you to avoid casual snacking and it's fucking good for you. You'll stay hydrated and help keep off that horrible vacation gut.

I hope this helps with any trips you have coming up. Summer vacations can be good for you, as long as you don't vacation like an asshole.

Friday, May 28, 2010

If you are going to "cheat" do it right.

I'm going to preface this by stating that you are not on a diet. You have changed the way you eat food. Because you have made those changes in your general, day-to-day eating, you can occasionally allow yourself something bad. If you are eating foods that are good for your body everyday, then it is perfectly acceptable to eat something you wouldn't normally allow in your kitchen. Moderation and rarity are key factors here.

Now that that's out of the way, let's talk about what it means to allow yourself something to eat that fucking tastes good. I cook every day. I have a routine. I know exactly what I'm consuming. On Friday afternoon I allow myself a fucking treat. Jim (my spousal equivalent) and I choose a restaurant somewhere in San Diego and have a good lunch. This accomplishes two things. It allows me to have red meat and/or bacon that I so crave and it keeps me from having that shit in the house. I know that come Friday, I can have a steak or burger and fries and that's my bad food for the week.

The reason I mention this is because you should consider what it is that you really want. I love red meat. I love bacon. I love cheese. I would do anything for a good milkshake or something with peanut butter in it. But these are not and cannot be everyday foods for me. When I want it, I know I can get it on Friday at lunch time. Choose a day and choose a meal for that day. Then include that in your food rituals. It helps with the craving. It allows for a meal without counting calories or fat grams.

Here's the other thing about doing it this way, since you are saving money by cooking at home, splurge and have a nice lunch. McDonald's hamburgers are fucking gross. If you are craving a burger and fries go somewhere where they cook to order and ask you how you want your meat. If you want Mexican go somewhere that has homemade salsa instead of Taco Hell. Mom and Pop type pizzerias usually have way better pizzas then PizzaHut or Papa Johns. You'll appreciate the food so much more.

Today, for example, I had my regular fruit smoothie for breakfast and then went to the Burger Lounge for lunch. Had a burger, onion rings, and a chocolate milk shake. I didn't eat a nasty Whopper or Big Mac, I had an honest-to-science burger. It was fucking awesome. Tonight I'm roasting a chicken and having fresh veggies for dinner. I've satiated my desire for food that is bad for me and I'm back on the "good for me" wagon.

Just think about it. You can eat what you want in moderation. You just have to figure out what that means for you, asshole.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Taco Bell thinks you are a fucking moron.

So the other day I'm sitting in traffic right next to a Taco Bell. I don't know if you've been by one recently but they currently have two marketing strategies going on that are counter intuitive to each other.

One is their "Eat Healthy & Lose Weight" diet plan. Yeah, you read that right. Go on the fucking Taco Bell diet. I guess that means nasty processed chicken instead of greasy ground beef? Who thinks to themselves "well...I'm on a diet, so I think it'll be Taco Bell for lunch today!"

The other campaign they are currently running is the "Fourth Meal" concept. "2 A.M and you got the munchies? That can be solved with some heartburn inducing Nacho BellGrande love!" I'm not even going to go into the reasons you shouldn't be eating this late at night (that's another future rant), but what are these dickheads thinking? Did the two marketing geniuses not confer with each other on this? How are they going to A) tell the public that Taco Bell understands the needs of someone attempting to lose weight and B) encourage late night binge eating?

I know we aren't supposed to blame the fast food companies for making us fat. It's not like they force the food down our throats, right? But what kind of message is this sending to those who might lack a certain cognitive capacity to make rational food decisions? A fourth meal? Seriously? Because it's late and dinner was hours ago? As if the average American isn't already consuming three times the recommended caloric intake for a 24 hour period, now we are going to encourage another thousand or so calories right before going to sleep? I'm quite certain anyone going to take advantage of the late hours is going to be ordering from the "diet" menu . Taco Bell has lost their fucking minds. And they seem to think we have, too.

This is why I'm thinking that even if I were allowing myself a "cheat day" and really had a hankering for cheap, nasty, imitation Mexican food, I will NOT be going to Taco Bell. They clearly think I'm a moron and that makes them an Asshole.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Nutritional Facts are there for a reason.

I was shocked, SHOCKED, when I started looking at the Nutritional Facts on food labels. Back to my Mr. Wizard line of cooking logic, can you say definitively that you know what you are consuming? Caloric intake aside, the amount of additives, preservatives, coloring, flavor enhancers, etc., is alarming. So alarming I'm not even going to throw an expletive in this sentence because you should be cursing the next time you check the nutritional content of your favorite foodstuffs.

When you are shopping for the week at your grocery store, you should be taking the time to look at everything you plan to consume. How much sodium does this contain? How large is a "serving"? What kind of fats are present? Does it contain sucralose, sugar, cane sugar, aspartame, high fructose corn syrup? What does enriched bleached flour mean? Partially hydrogenated oil, yes or no? White or wheat? Wheat or whole grain? These are the questions you need to be asking yourself and investigating for your daily diet. Though I'll eventually be covering most if not all of those questions, why the fuck are you waiting for me? Do something for yourself and learn how to buy food, for fuck's sake!

Your diet, following the Mr. Wizard rules, should be made up primarily of things you recognize the names of and that, theoretically, you could have produced yourself. Chicken should look like it's a bird and not shaped into some random cute dinosaur. Vegetables should look and taste like vegetables, and not like salt and butter. Cereal should be grain based and not something a cartoon character covets.

Grow the fuck up! You are an adult, eat like one.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Mmmmm....sodium benzoate and yellow #5...

Remember when you were a kid and you got that chemistry set for your birthday and you were like "Woot!, I'm going to make me some beverages!" No? Then why the fuck are you still drinking soda?!?!?!?!!!!

My Nutritional Facts rant is forthcoming, but this is a pressing issue that needs special attention. Soda is a treat. A once in a blue moon, occasional beverage. It is not supposed to be your only source of water. Have you looked at the ingredient list in that nasty shit?

An easy way to determine if something, like say, a drink, is good for you is by checking the simplicity of it's ingredients. You should ask yourself "Could I theoretically make this beverage at home with out Mr Wizard's assistance?" If the answer is no, you probably shouldn't be drinking it. Water is preferable for all situations. Fruit juice, milk, tea and coffee are also good drinks in moderation. Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper should be saved for the rarest of occasions, if at all.

"But I need the caffeine!" That's why coffee and tea exist, bitch! I make this promise to you. If you only take one fucking thing away from everything I've written so far, it should be this. Stop drinking soda now and you will lose weight. This is a no brainer. If you are a dude, you can expect almost immediate results. If you are a woman, it might take several weeks or even a couple months, but you will soon find yourself in a situation where a new belt or pair of pants is in your future.

Throw that can out now and don't look back. It is the best thing you can do for yourself. It's a small but important step. What the fuck are you waiting for?

Friday, May 21, 2010

You knew it was coming.

Exercise is absofuckinglutely required. No sugar coating that one. You must move. It can't be theoretical or something you'll start once you've got the food thing down. It has to be a two for one deal.

The U.S. government recommends at least 30 minutes of exercise 3-5 times a week. The World Health Organization recommends 90 minutes of exercise 3-5 times a week. Who are you going to listen to? The fat ass Americans or the skinny rest of the world? You need to figure out how you are going to incorporate that into your daily routine.

You don't have to be a marathon runner, you don't have to start a basketball team, but you MUST get your ass off the couch and move around. Walking is free. Cleaning your house burns 200 calories an hour. Dancing to your favorite album is excellent cardio. This is not optional.

Now here is the part where you become crazy jealous of the fact that I live in San Diego, because I don't have to join a gym (though, now, I do use the one at my school regularly). For the first 6 months of my "lifestyle change" I walked. I walked everywhere. "Where's Becky?" "She's on a fucking walk!" I put on my iPod and I walked for an hour a day, or the equivalent to one podcast or music album. I walked when I didn't feel like it until I did feel like it. I walked until I was covered in sweat. I walked to see how long I could push myself. In order to lose 1 pound a week you have to burn 3500 more calories than you have consumed in said week.

Don't like to walk? Then find something else to do. But you have to do something or you are just a big fat asshole who is starving him/herself and you are doing nothing to improve your overall health. You know what you can do when you walk? Eat foods you like. See how this works?

There are days when I still don't feel like getting out of bed and putting on my running shoes, but I do it. I go outside and I take a fucking walk. Until they've perfected the magical skinny potion, I suspect I'll be doing this for the rest of my fucking life.

I realize the rest of the world does not have the climate or weather patterns we are blessed with here in San Diego, but that's why they've invented umbrellas, rain slickers, fleece jackets, etc. Weather is always going to try to impede your progress. Rainy days or cold days will always entice you into staying inside and sleeping in with the mindset that "I'll get back into my routine tomorrow." Who are you, fucking Scarlett O'Hara? What if it fucking rains tomorrow, too? You gonna take the whole week/month/year off? Then you ARE an asshole.

Nike was right, just do it. Just get off your rear end and walk somewhere. Start with whats comfortable for now and try to extend your timeframe by a little each week. Once you are up to 60-90 minutes a day, stay there and keep doing it.

It will be hard, but it must be done. You will be amazed how much better you feel in just a couple weeks. And then, it won't be so hard and you can be really fucking proud of yourself.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Being accountable makes you less of an asshole.

Where to start... You know how every Sunday night as you prepare for the week ahead you look at your closet, you look at your kitchen and you avoid looking at the scale? Thoughts pass through your mind that sound a little something like "Tomorrow, I'm eating nothing but rice cakes and celery", "I'm gonna get up early and walk for 2 hours before I go to work", or "Cocaine sounds like a good idea, I hear it's amazing for weight loss.". Yeah. So that's a bunch of bullshit.

You've heard this before, but before you know what needs to change, you need to know what you are doing to yourself to begin with. Sucks, doesn't it. I never said this was going to be easy, bitch. First thing you need to do is write everything down. I mean FUCKING EVERYTHING. I don't care if it's in a journal, in a word file, or an email to your 'chubby buddy'. Writing shit down will force you to look at what the fuck you are doing to your body.

Don't make changes in the first week. You need to see what the hell you've been doing on a "normal" week and maybe you'll see what your problem is. "Hmmm...So Monday, I had four pop-tarts and a large Frappacino for breakfast, a burger and large fry for lunch, and pizza with a ranch dressing covered salad for dinner. Then you know, cause I was being so good, I had cake and ice cream for desert and through out the day I had a couple granola bars as a snack, since they are healthy and all." "As for my activity....well....I walked to and from the car a couple times...so...." WTF! A week of this kind of consumption is going to guarantee that you gain weight every fucking week for the rest of your life. Think you are a fat ass now? Wait till next year, Bessie, you'll have a whole new wardrobe because you can't suck your gut into those elastic pants anymore.

At the end of this week you can check your caloric intake for the week (there are hundreds of websites that do that kind of shit). You are going to be shocked. The average person requires between 1700-2300 calories a day depending on height, weight, and activity level. I'm guessing you had no idea you were consuming upwards of three times that every day.

Then comes the hard part. You have to make an effort. I know you don't want to hear that, nobody does. The second week use your crazy journaling/pdf/emailing skills to be accountable for what you consume. Think of it this way. Do you really want to have to write down that you put that shit in your mouth. It's not like you can plead ignorance anymore. You know what you are doing now you have to figure out why you are doing it and what purpose it serves in your life. I did this everyday for the first 3 months once I decided I needed to fix my health. It became a game that went something like this in my head: "I would be ashamed to write down that I ate a King Size Snicker's bar, so instead, I'm going to eat this apple and write it down with pride."

After doing this for a few months, I figured out I had taught myself how to eat all over again. It became habit and while the physical act of writing it down everyday was no longer necessary, I continued to think about every piece of food that I was putting into my body.

It's something to think about. This weekend, find a buddy, or a spiral notebook, or create a new folder for your desktop. Can't find a buddy? I'll be one for you. I'm a work in progress and I'd fucking love for you to do this with me. But you have to commit. There is no more of this "I can't do it" bullshit. That's what assholes say.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My funny t-shirts.

It's time to share some background. I have never known myself to be comfortable in my body. Clearly, I have an AWESOME sense of humor and a winning personality but I would rather hide and make you laugh than feel as though someone were really looking at me and seeing me for my weight instead of the whole picture.

I have a large collection of funny t-shirts. Those who know me well know that I am usually wearing one everyday. Some show depictions of bunny cannibalism, others show the brutal murder of jelly donuts, but all of them generally get a reaction. I have literally dozens of them. I could wear one everyday for a month and a half and never repeat the same shirt.

Why do I own them? Because when someone was looking at me, I'd rather have them laugh at whatever was on my shirt than at my size. It's taken me a while to realize that. I would rather be the large funny girl with the weird t-shirts than just the large girl. If I had to go out in public I felt compelled to camouflage myself in humor.

I've seen the looks cast my way when eating in a restaurant. Judgement hurts. Whispers from the skinny elite hurts. Shame hurts. And my knees hurt really fucking bad, too.

I know my words sound harsh, but these were the words I had to say to myself everyday when I started my "lifestyle change". By the way, the term "lifestyle change", while a better alternative to "diet & exercise", I also find to be ridiculous.

Anyhoo. I thought I'd throw this bit of information out there. I'm not all "fuck" and "asshole". I have a soft gooey center, too, much like a Milky Way bar. Jesus, why do I always bring it back to fucking candy bars?

Peace out, fuckers.

Fruits and vegetables are fucking cheap.

So you know what else is a dickhead move? Buying fruit and veggies and then allowing them to rot in the bottom of your crisper drawer in the refrigerator. Seriously. Do you know how hard that shit was to plow, grow, pick, transport, etc.? Do you know how pissed off I would be if I took the time to make sure you had a lovely head of lettuce and a crate of strawberries, only to find them moldy and wilted, discarded in the the trash can? What a douche!

Here's the thing. There are always going to be deals in the produce aisle. Something is always in season and your menu should be changing with the seasons. You wouldn't wear your wool jacket in the middle of August, so why do want a fucking watermelon in December? Make sense? No? Fuck.

OK. So you want to buy vegetables and fruit, you just aren't sure when you'll be incorporating them into your menu. That's fine. There are these things called "freezers". They keep things "frozen". Your grocer's freezer aisle is fucking packed with fresh produce. It's got more nutrients and vitamins than the shit in the produce department because it was fucking flash frozen within hours of being picked from the fields. It hasn't been sitting in room temperature for the last week, getting picked over and dropped on the floor and dying from the horrible death called "shelf life".

Fill your freezer with these bags of fruit (no sugar added, mother-fucker) and veggies (no added salt or butter). Then, when your are roasting your chicken and cooking your whole grain rice, find a veg of your choosing and fucking heat it up! When your are making your steel-cut oatmeal in the morning for breakfast, add some frozen fruit as a sweetener.

All of these things are cheap, too, so don't worry about ruining your dumb-ass grocery budget. You won't have to buy those god-awful pop-tarts or sugary breakfast cereals. You won't have to buy fucking stove-top dressing or french fries for your dinner sides. That bullshit shouldn't be in your fucking kitchen anyway.

This is not rocket science. It's too easy. You can be lazy and eat well so what the fuck are you waiting for? You would absolutely have to be the biggest fucking asshole in the world not to recognize what a waste it is to NOT do this.

Monday, May 17, 2010

I'm learning to be less of an Asshole.

So why should you listen to me? I've been an asshole for quite some time. I treated myself poorly. I allowed myself to become morbidly obese. Why? Because I was an asshole.
"It's too much work to count calories." "I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be skinny." "Working out is hard and it hurts." Boo-fucking-hoo. After turning 30 years old it became increasingly apparent that my life could go into a multitude of different directions.

Option 1: Keep being an asshole. Keep eating whatever I want, whenever I want. Lock myself in my apartment because I'm ashamed of the way I look and cry when I look in the mirror. Avoid purchasing new clothes because I'm embarrassed to bring the big-girl clothes to the register. Wake up every night with heartburn and keep a bottle of TUMS on my night stand. Resent my skinny friends. Develop heart disease and die much too young like my father (deceased at the age of 45).

Option 2: Continue my search for the magic cure. What "AS SEEN ON TV" product holds my future in it's hands? What diet pill won't send me to the emergency room because of an overdose of ephedra? What if I just never ate bread or rice or potatoes again? I'd done the Atkin's thing before and it worked, until I stopped. Eating bacon and eggs everyday, all day, felt like it was leading to a heart attack. It is just not sustainable. Your body needs grains.

Option 3: I could stop being an asshole. I could do the work and watch my caloric intake like a grown-up and workout regularly. It would take time, but I'd heard somewhere this route might actually produce results.

After reviewing the aforementioned options it seemed that not being an asshole was my only choice. I longed to not hide from my mirror or shower in the dark to avoid looking down at myself. I didn't join a gym, I just started walking. I decided eating red meat was an asshole thing to do to my body. I learned how to roast a damn chicken and I did so at least twice a week. I learned how to do things to chicken and with the leftovers that did not make me feel like a shithead after every meal. I cooked veggies and whole grain rice and when I needed sweets I ate apples and bananas and oranges. Fruit is nature's candy for Christ's sake! "But chocolate has antioxidants!" MY ASS! If I'm eating a Snickers or a Whatchamakalit every day it's not because if it's antioxidant qualities, it's because I'm an asshole.

So that's it. Wanna know why you are a fatass? It's because you're an asshole. I speak from results. Since August of 2009 (it's now May of 2010), I've gone from an asshole size 20 (HOLY SHIT!), to a still somewhat of an asshole-ish size 14. It's been hard, it's been sweaty, it's been filled with cravings for peanut butter (my biggest fucking asshole treat), but it's working.

Wanna know more about this magical transformation?

Stay tuned, you fucking asshole...