"It's too much work to count calories." "I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and be skinny." "Working out is hard and it hurts." Boo-fucking-hoo. After turning 30 years old it became increasingly apparent that my life could go into a multitude of different directions.
Option 1: Keep being an asshole. Keep eating whatever I want, whenever I want. Lock myself in my apartment because I'm ashamed of the way I look and cry when I look in the mirror. Avoid purchasing new clothes because I'm embarrassed to bring the big-girl clothes to the register. Wake up every night with heartburn and keep a bottle of TUMS on my night stand. Resent my skinny friends. Develop heart disease and die much too young like my father (deceased at the age of 45).
Option 2: Continue my search for the magic cure. What "AS SEEN ON TV" product holds my future in it's hands? What diet pill won't send me to the emergency room because of an overdose of ephedra? What if I just never ate bread or rice or potatoes again? I'd done the Atkin's thing before and it worked, until I stopped. Eating bacon and eggs everyday, all day, felt like it was leading to a heart attack. It is just not sustainable. Your body needs grains.
Option 3: I could stop being an asshole. I could do the work and watch my caloric intake like a grown-up and workout regularly. It would take time, but I'd heard somewhere this route might actually produce results.
After reviewing the aforementioned options it seemed that not being an asshole was my only choice. I longed to not hide from my mirror or shower in the dark to avoid looking down at myself. I didn't join a gym, I just started walking. I decided eating red meat was an asshole thing to do to my body. I learned how to roast a damn chicken and I did so at least twice a week. I learned how to do things to chicken and with the leftovers that did not make me feel like a shithead after every meal. I cooked veggies and whole grain rice and when I needed sweets I ate apples and bananas and oranges. Fruit is nature's candy for Christ's sake! "But chocolate has antioxidants!" MY ASS! If I'm eating a Snickers or a Whatchamakalit every day it's not because if it's antioxidant qualities, it's because I'm an asshole.
So that's it. Wanna know why you are a fatass? It's because you're an asshole. I speak from results. Since August of 2009 (it's now May of 2010), I've gone from an asshole size 20 (HOLY SHIT!), to a still somewhat of an asshole-ish size 14. It's been hard, it's been sweaty, it's been filled with cravings for peanut butter (my biggest fucking asshole treat), but it's working.
Wanna know more about this magical transformation?
Stay tuned, you fucking asshole...
